Words I Never Said

Have you ever had that particular day when nothing seems to be right? Well, mine just happen to be my favourite holiday ever - Christmas. I can't even find comfort in the crook of words, the warmth of writing, or even the satisfaction of piecing words to form a sentence. Its like I've lost it. A few setbacks have dampened my passion for words, a feral hunger to communicate a story. I want to throw my hands in abject surrender and utter the taboo words, "I give up." But this small portly imp inside me is determined to milk my dark moments. I can't say those words.

No one believes in my writing anymore. Not even myself. Then why I can't give it up? Maybe it's because I held on for so long. That even through the "I don't know if your english is just that bad or you didn't see that obvious grammatical mistake" and that one real writing job, and they never got back, I held on.

But it feels like a warzone in me. Messing up my education. My relationships. It seems to be an in thing for me, a season, or a lifetime, maybe. To be in front of a battle, nothing but the clothes on my back, chin up, bravely standing there refusing to dodge. Perhaps I knew it all along. Mayhaps I was asking for it. But I can't back down. Not with my pride on the line. Not when the people who shot the first few arrows were my friends or teachers.

It's stupid. You might say. It's useless, choobs, just give it up. Why fight when you know you are only gonna get hurt? You might ask.

Why do I bother when I have God on my side?

I might have lost all motivation to do well. But motivation can be revved up again. Till then, God be my vindication and my sword.

Delirious

Delirious. Usually associated to joy, laughter, excitement, positive factors in life. But my definition of delirious is in a trance, a dazed state from the chaos and pain outside the shell I call my life.

I'm in a state of delirium. I see things, see through them, I don't really see. Went through the whole day with such heavy thoughts, weighed me down like an iron. But I hide behind the laughter and the smiles. I feel much safer then. Much less vulnerable. Many times my eyes glazed over, I realized then, how good of an actress I've became. I keep thinking to myself. Inside my room, alone, I could break down and cry myself a good time.

That kept me going for awhile. Then I learnt to compartmentalize the pain, the questions. I would deal with it later when I'm alone. Not in front of these people I call friends. Some time in the whole episode, someone came up to me and confided. The one person I was not ready to lose, but I had to let go. She was crying. That was pushing my breaking point, I wanted to cry along with her. I wanted to, so badly.

But I had to suck it up. Always operate from a position of strength. I couldn't cry in front of her. I was her leader, her mentor. What does it make me? In that moment of weakness, I found strength. And I just  stared at her unseeing, nodding empathically.

Snippets of the compartmentalize pain got through the wall I built through the day. But I managed all the same. It's ironic, I wanted, no needed someone to talk to. But funnily enough, I had no one. Or believed it so. Maybe I wanted myself to believe I had no one. It's not because I don't have, but because I just wanted to be alone.

Came home, bracing myself for a floodgates of emotions to hit me like a brickwall and the waterworks to start. It didn't come. It never did. It diminished into something called apathy. I decided to put down all I felt in words. However, whatever I felt, no matter how manipulative I am with words, couldn't explain.

This is my best explanation. Of the words I couldn't say. Relationships. Friendships. Leadership. Bullshit. Cop out bullshit. No fairytale ending for all of them.

Too proud to admit that I need help. Been lashed to this freight train all my life, too stubborn to untie myself. Too stubborn.

Linear

Many things run through my mind. Morbid thoughts, thoughts banished to the furthest corners of the world, never hoping to see light again. Moved from the clubbing song phase to the Norah Jones phase. Need some jazzy feminine feel instead of pumping nigga music to quiet my mind.

I asked myself why I refuse to let go of the grief, and slowly straining the grief through when feeling downright miserable and helpless. I'm like a small amount butter being spread across the loaves of bread. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I just turn back to the darkness because there I find comfort. I'm running scared and I know it. Because there in the darkness I can still feel hurt, grief, loss and pain. It's not that I don't want to move on, it's that I'm timorous that I won't miss you again, that without some emotional distress, I can't feel you.

I sound like a nutcase. Trust me, if I read this through I would think myself as one. So I'm not gonna read it through. Norah Jones, here I come again.

The world will still be here tomorrow.

In life, be it cheering or jeering you, there'll always be people calling out your name. You either tune those voices to be the one that motivate or get crush by the might of the audience.

"What do they know?"

I hear myself repeating that question.

What do I know?

As much as I say I'll be there, the whole load of bullshit even sounded weak to my ears. When I see my friends, hell, close friends crying, my first knee jerk reflex is to walk away. Out of all the times I walked away, I never came back. It's not right, I know. As if squashing the ant wasn't enough, I had to squish it harder, decapitating the body further.

I never understood my coping mechanism. The sense of escapism when aware of danger. Isn't it a survival instinct? Except that the crisis wasn't one of danger, but of a hurting friend in need of comfort. I can't give that. I don't admonish myself because I tried. Till then, if I find a way to cope with my rather unconventional coping mechanism, I'll let you know.

Ambivalent

I don't know how or what should I feel. I think it is the state of ambivalence and sometimes words are just not enough to explain it all. Many people tell you to follow and chase your dream down with a hunting knife and a good pair of converse shoes. Chase them down, they said, it would be worth it, they said. I wonder, sometimes, all those big celebrities like Johnny Cash, or Marilyn Monroe, or Charlie Chaplain, I wonder what was it like to be giving their all for the dream, and to wait. What is it like for them to wait?

Mayhaps they sit at the post office, waiting day in and out for an acceptance letter. Funny how ink and paper can make your spirit soar or crush it within a matter of minutes. Oh the irony. Or perhaps they would hound the postman then, or if it was modern day in year 2012, it would be in a constant checking of the email.

I tell myself, no news is good news. But having no news is like feeding the wolves whom I have known to be fear. Each and everyday I start questioning my dream, my capabilities, my worth. It's not that I'm insecure, I'm just scared of underachieving, of letting them down, of letting myself down. It's a never ending competition. The survival of the fittest. The hunger damn-ing games. And God help me, I'm so tired of coming in second.

It's so loud in my head. Everything is looking up, but why do I feel so down?

I messed it up. My spiritual life, my friendships, my relationships. I don't bother anymore. It's not giving up. It's I just, I don't know.

Words I Never Said

Always in a rushNever stay on the phone long enoughWhy am I so self-important?Said I'd see you soonBut that was, oh, maybe a year agoDidn't know time was of the essence
So many questionsBut I'm talking to myselfI know that you can't hear me any moreNot anymoreSo much to tell youAnd most of all goodbyeBut I know that you can't hear me any more
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words I never saidI never saidI can't take back the words I never said
Always talking shitTook your advice and did the oppositeJust being young and stupidI haven't been all that you could've hoped forBut if you'd held on a little longerYou'd have had more reasons to be proud
So many questionsBut I'm talking to myselfI know that you can't hear me any moreNot anymoreSo much to tell youAnd most of all goodbyeBut I know that you can't hear me any more
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words
The longer I stand hereThe louder the silenceI know that you're gone but sometimes I swear I hearYour voice when the wind blowsSo I talk to the shadowsHoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words I never saidI never saidI can't take back the words I never saidNever saidI can't take back the words I never said

A Day In My Life

Realized the lack of photos in my Godforsaken blog. The advertisement says "3 reasons to get out of bed." You bet we are the reason. Look at what we're holding.

For too long I've been struggling with things. And just today I received a message that took a low blow to my pride. It cut a radiating throb dread from my throat to my belly. It was then I felt like giving up. It was as if all these while my presence was insignificant. 

I do not have the perfect life. Hell, my social life takes a sky diving plunge from the statue of liberty when my work starts. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my life as it is. No matter how ugly the struggles are, all the pain stains of my past. Or the flaws I battle inwardly, or the scars I hide constantly. I wouldn't have it any other way.

We would sing in the middle of Orchard street, loudly and proudly mind you. We'll go to different hotels and use their toilets, kind of like "The Bourne Identity," but without the changing of clothes and the mass destruction. We'll play the hotel piano and get recognised by the event coordination, giving us a thumbs up. Or walking barefooted down Chinatown. Or fighting each other, screaming "Bitch" in a crowded place. Why aren't my friends and I stomped yet? Haha.

I don't want to grow up. It's too fast. 2012 is coming to an end. I feel empty. I just want to leave, but I don't have the guts to. I want to speak my mind, but they would consider it as insubordination or sensitive. I'm tired of listening to you. What makes you think you know what's the best for me? I'm tired.

I feel these four walls closin' in 
My face up against the glass 
Im looking out, hmm 
Is this my life I'm wonderin' 
It happened so fast 
How do I turn this thing around 
Is this the bed I chose to make 
Its greener pastures i'm thinkin' about, hmm 
Wide open spaces far away 

All I want is the wind in my hair 
To face the fear but not feel scared 

Wild horses I wanna be like you 
Throwing caution to the wind 
I'll run free too 
Wish I could recklessly love 
Like I'm longing too 
I wanna run with the wild horses 
Run with the wild horses, oh 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/natasha+bedingfield/wild+horses_10189973.html ] 
I see the girl I wanna be 
Riding bareback, carefree along the shore 
If only that someone was me 
Jumpin' head first headlong with out a fall 
To act and damn the consequence 
How I wish it could be that easy 
But fear surrounds me like a fence 
I wanna break free 

All I want is the wind in my hair 
To face the fear but not feel scared 

Recklessly abandoning myself before you 
I wanna open up my heart, tell him how I feel 
Run with the wild horses 
I wanna run with the wild horses

Eventually I knew this is how it would wind down. With me taking the fastest route out, as fast as my legs can carry me. My mind would be a jumble of disjointed thoughts, questions that would probably never hear a reply. And little would I realize, the sole thing I run from, is the only thing I'm running to.

So this is what it would boil down to. A variation of truths. What would you have me believe? Accept everything at face value? Or check what tug at my heartstrings? Think about the last time your heart ached? What did you see, what did you hear? What I'm trying to say is, there is a smorgasbord of truth. It's just hard to stomach any of them. Well, on the other hand theres this lie you so badly want to believe. With all your heart, you will it into existence. As if repeating it in your head will seemingly make you less delusional. As if telling it to someone, make you more credible. Some people stay in the darkness, because there, is what they choose to see. Truth is what you believe it to be. And finally, the dichotomy is blurred, and your mind heeds what you believe, to save what strands of sanity you have left.

And it comes down to this. You live your life in a lie. Believing that it happened. That it will happen. You can't distinguish between what is the truth, and what is a lie.

Me

I could have gone into the whole notion and justification of why I chose this picture, and it could have many variables and a smorgasbord of moods for me to choose from, angry, sad, happy, annoying, crazy. But I guess, I just want to be honest and come as I am.

In this world with many farce, changing fads, people making a fashion statement, men - women coming out of the closet, children brought up alongside with alcohol and cigarettes, can you truly say that you are you?

Just because I don't voice my insecurities doesn't mean it's not there. I fight, struggle, wrestle with fears every single day. And how do I know if I've won? Yes, I might feel beaten down, words lost on me, Armageddon and all, I never fought a losing battle. I guess I knew it all along. And my fears sometimes cloud my vision and I turn to the familiar tug of depression. But in the end, I'll come out victorious.

I had a mental breakdown a few days back. I pretty much lost it. At that point in time, there weren't a shocked gasp. Or time stopped as the world stopped spinning on its axis. Nothing pause. There wasn't any scream or something to indicate that something tragic happened. Life just went painfully on. And I realized then, the shift in my perspective, the horrible revelation of truth, the insurmountable of fear, affected no one, but me.

Who will be there when you have nothing to give but everything to lose?

Have you ever seen someone who have nothing to lose? It's scary. They have this craze look in their eyes. I know a desperate person when I see one, but theirs, is a whole new entire level. Nothing to lose. What does that mean to you?

Lost

All out on my own again. That feeling when you need to have it all together, because once you break, all hell is going to break loose. I refuse to shed a tear. I refuse to bow down to the storm. I'll take the bull by it's horns and it'll relent. I can't have it any other way. The people that say "Winning isn't everything" obviously haven't been in a hospital or say pass the scalpel or watch someone die.

Have you ever been so lost? Known the way, and still so lost? They say I should come back home. Play safe. Just listen to their patronizing. Just listen. Because what I need right now is sugar coated words after breaking what seemed to be my only ray of light. Because what I need now is "I'm sorry."

You don't understand. You don't get to say you're sorry.

I've lost everything that I've held close to my heart. I lost my dream. The one dream that I held on for ages. You don't understand. You don't get to say you're sorry. Because you're not. I lost my dignity. They say you don't die with dignity, you live with it. I lost sight of the vision. And it says that without vision, the people perish.

You don't get to complain. What is a group without unity? What is a group without efficiency and tolerance? We are only as strong as our weakest link. We don't even have a link. Might as well sign the death warrant. The mark of death on our forehead.

The thing this time, is that I didn't mess up. So why do I have to pay the price of other people's mistakes?

I miss you, you would have known what to do.

Rain Makes Corn. Corn Makes Whiskey. Whiskey Makes My Baby Feels A Little Frisky.

One day....

I'll drive a convertable, hood down, with a select few people, blasting country music and clubbing songs and speeding across the landscapes of Holland.

I'll spend the night at a beach with a cold beer and blankets.

I'll backpack across Europe, (selling my kidney to afford that). Starting from Czech Republic, Italy, Belgium, France, Germany, Ireland, ending at Greece.

I'll sky dive from the skies of Melbourne and parachute down like a trooper.

I'll be a free lance journalist, travelling the world and getting paid for my stories.

I'll be so much bigger so that you can't hit me.

I'll get back on my two feet again. Just watch me.

Settling Down?

I don't know who reads this blog anymore. It could be just me, going to my blog and looking at my DNA and fingerprints all over the posts.

Everyone around me are couples, getting attached, married even. To tell you the truth? I don't feel pressured at all. I mean, getting into a relationship is easy, labeling a guy as your boyfriend is easy, but settling down? Hmm not so. Maybe I like where I am now. I like that I have a freedom to do whatever I want because I'm single. No limitations.

I don't try hard enough maybe. But I have so many things on my plate, and a boyfriend would just go tipping my duck confit with mash potato on it over. I can't have that now, can I?

The notion of settling down scares me to the end of earth and back. You asked me, and I said no. I wasn't ready then, sure as hell not ready now, or in the near future. Never bring up the M word. It's just a cardinal rule for me and my friends. Marriage isn't for me now.

Maybe I'll find true love. Who knows? Maybe it'll come in a form of a gorgeous ang moh with a british accent. Still hoping, haha. Maybe it'll come in a form of a dream. Or in a form of a career. I'll never know. Many people find this absurd, but I still go with the notion of "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

My good friend tell me its stupid, but I can't help but believe that what is meant to be, will work out eventually. So yeah. Goodbye for now. If I ever fall head over heels in love, please set me free.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye, When It Comes To This

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away


I've moved on. I mean, we all had. You know, but there's those secret couple of times we look back and we tear up and the memories and the could have been. I guess I just think of you when I feel so stuck, and so tired and beaten down. I think that how could you have gone before me, I needed you to be here. You were always the constant factor. I would always come home to you yakking away, talking and walking around. I thought you would always be there. Always be here. 


But then you were hacking away at the hospital, and I watch as the life drained from you and as the coughing ceased. I watch as you reach the other side, this time, without me. I feel so left behind you know. I  hated watching, but I just can't tear my eyes away because I knew that would be the last moment I had left with you. 


I miss you so much. I thought you were so strong you would have made it through whatever, its so hard to acknowledge that you are now gone forever. 


Rest in peace, grandma. I love you, always. 

Dead End

Its funny how I always turn to electronic device for comfort, it seem like I am devoid of any human interaction. Everyone just feels so far away you know? Or maybe I'm the one that is far away, the one that strayed because I can't stand by and do nothing. 

They say I'm on a roll, but every roll gotta have a stop. Mayhaps I hit the wall pretty hard to finally come to a stop. Cause when you're this low, everywhere you try to go feels like a dead end. 

I'm not trying to be emotional, in fact, I'm pretty much lacking in emotions right now. All I feel, and all I ever did feel for this week is tiredness. I can't even work myself up to throw a fit. Mentally and physically drained. I'm getting so annoyed and wanting to be by myself all the time. 

I miss so many people right now its hard to figure out if the feeling is "missing." I'm just worn out. I wish the flurry of attacks on every aspect of my life would stop. 

Just stop.

(:

(CAUSE I'M A SMOOTH CRIMINAL SMOOTH CRIMINAL)

Had a few good heart to heart talks. And I'm really grateful for the people that God has placed into my life. Its amazing how far I had come, I mean despite the melo-dramatic moments, the fighting, the shouting and the lies, I've become a far stronger person than I used to be.

So kudos to everyone that had came into my life, whether for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Maybe one day I'll understand why some had to go, but till that day comes, I'm thankful that I've got to know each and everyone of you, despite the differences.

Theres a lot of things I don't know, a lot of areas I am uncertain and I'm dabbling into areas unsuspectingly, trusting God will provide and protect. And for those who are not in this with me, supporting me, I hope you won't bring me down and stay out of my way.

So heres to the future and the many amazing encounters to come. (:

A Little Bit Stronger

Stupid song made me think of you, I listened to it for a minute but then I changed it. I'm getting a little bit stronger. Just a little bit stronger.

Balance

Miss steffer! ): We just stood there in the middle of nowhere, and I asked "Don't you need to go." And she said, "I can't bear to." What was that? Did you hear it? That was my heart shattering. Haha.

I believe that there's a balance to everything. The whole yin and yang saga. The chaos and zen mode. Good to evil and evil to good. In any psychopath, murderers, rapists, I choose to believe that there's still good in them. The drive to rape, kill, become a psychotic sadist is not from within, but from a greater evil of the world. Of course they still have a part to play as they chose to do it, but I sympathize with these people, that evil prevails over the good in their lives.

A child is born to good, a child is born to innocence, a child is born with clean hands and a pure heart. How then, have they went horribly wrong. I refuse to believe that they were wired wrong. Everyone has a great destiny and purpose. Why do we choose to believe that there is none. That we choose to believe that only darkness and hurting awaits us, that we can't differ from the horrible path we've placed ourselves upon.

In the end, the consequences are a brick wall. Hard and unforgiving.

Gimme More

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. You know, because courage isn't the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. And sometimes it feels like the fear of the unknown is like the approaching shadow of the day, fast and unbecoming. The increasing volume of dark spot in your sunny day. You just want to run away from the uncertainty of it all, the darkness that threatens to overwhelm you. But as dark as it gets, as big and frightening as it may seem, a shadow can only glide pass you, it will do you no harm.

Once you step out in faith to do the things of your heart's desire, you'll see the shadows fade away. And honestly, I know what I want to do. It's so strong I can't deny. Then again, I can be so convicted in my faith, in the prophesy realm, in the supernatural, even in academics wise, I fail in other aspects, oh I don't know, maybe love.

The idea of commitment scares me. Hell, the notion of commitment have me bulleting in the opposite direction. I do not have enough faith not to bolt. The again, what the hell, I might be so love drunk I forget my fear and dive straight into the whole romance saga.

Sad Excuse of A Best Friend

Kenji and Sheryl! <3

Yes. I gave up on the friendship and walked out when you needed me the most. Yes, I took my leave and I'm different, so different. Different of what you've expected of a best friend. So much different. But you do not strike someone not expecting them to recoil. You do not yank someone and expect them not to budge. Expectations darling, is full of disappointments.

And I agree, I was a sad excuse of a best friend. And I'm sorry. Are you? I am still the selfish, self-absorbed, calloused, heartless bitch that coax and persuade people to do whatever I want. Because I want what I want when I want it. Do you know what you want? Do you even want the friendship to begin with? What I understand is that people fight for the things that actually mean something to them. Because at the end of the day, they know that it's worth it, even if it means losing that particular thing, they can leave with the knowledge that they've put up a fight. I fought, hell I did, but I realized I was fighting alone. So yes, I tore the white flag and stalked out of the battlefield.

Blame me for being a bad friend, blame me for the untimely exit, hell, blame me even for your bad taste in men. But do not blame me for the deceit, lies and manipulation. Call me heartless, call me cold and unfeeling to have denied you. Don't put this on me. Stop with all the manipulation to get to me. Stop with all the lies that you've told to your friends. Stop it with your emotionally aimed and charged blog post. After all the cop out bullshit, I just hope you're better than that.

Landmines

You don't describe pain. Because it causes you to lose your emotional footing and stumble back into the memories you've locked away. You don't describe it, because it's just too hard. But if I could, I would describe it as a black abyss, so dark, the tugging hands of depression clawing at your side, refusing to let you go. And you just struggle, fighting it off, walking on, walking on, and if you're lucky enough, the claw marks subside into a killer headache, throbbing. 

But if you succumb to the fears and the charitable deception of depression, you fall harder, faster, deeper. It sucks you in so fast your head spins. The next thing you know, a live band sounds like a dull drone that hurts your head. The sunlight that streams in your room becomes blinding and hurts your eyes. The chirping of birds becomes screeching monsters. The mere thought of getting out of bed fills you with dread. The action of replying messages leaves your fingers heavy. The idea of bathing fills your legs with sand.

Then again, I'm being melodramatic. 

I'm just grateful. I realize and appreciate the friends that have stuck by my throughout. And though it seemed as if their presence made no difference, it did, significantly. It made my depressing thoughts, not so depressing. After all the glitz and glamour, the ones that've stayed by my side right till the end, are the ones that matters. And trust me, I know who matters now. 

Hurdle

I've became the very person they've warned me about. I've became the very person I said I wouldn't be. Why do I have to get past a hurdle only to face yet another hurdle head on. It doesn't seem fair then. It sure as hell doesn't seem fair now. 

You know, Russ told me that they do the haka (war) dance before they started the game. It was meant to scare the opposing team. Well, somewhat I feel like I'm doing that, except that I'm doing it alone and the opposing team isn't exactly intimidated. 

As cliche and as vulnerable I sound now, I don't want to talk to anyone because if they looked at me with disdain, I don't know if I can recover from it. I'm as weak as I am strong. I don't know if I can withstand the judgement from the people I call friends or family. I'm scared of what they'll say back. Then again, my fears might be unfounded, they can be accepting and encouraging as ever. I don't want to take the chances. 

You know. I can preferably gauge all my good friends replies to my distress. The pause to think of something practical. The God answer. The Well, sometimes... I know. I know. 

There's one person that I could always confide to, besides God. That one person that seen me bawl about my life. That one person who was the only one that gave me a hug when I was looking away and crying. That one person whom I think I've lost. That one person whom I refuse to call. That one person whom I will not go to, not now, not ever because my pride won't let me. 

I've became the very person they've warned me about. They didn't tell me what happen after that. 

Soul Wound

Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love, like you've loved me.

And. I'm giving up. It's not because I don't want to fight for our friendship, for a relationship. It's not because I'm heartless, cold and unfeeling. I'm giving up because it would be better for both of us. Why hold on to something that isn't there? It'll just only cause heartache. And I can't deal with anymore right now.

Giving up only to give in. Give in to the destiny and that someone that'll be a better me. A friend better than me. A lover that commits.

No more soul wounds. No more exploiting it. I'm through with everything that I've clenched for so long, refusing to let go.

I Will Survive

OH NO NOT I. I WILL SURVIVE. OH AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE, I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE.

You've gotta admit. You need this song.

Toast to the bloody murder of a future. Drink ourselves to oblivion and kill the engine.

Better In Time

What is it about small cute boys that make me smile?

On a side note, I might have sprained both my hands a bit. Typing and clenching it into a fist hurts a helluva lot. I might have gotten a little too over-zealous yesterday. They always make a hoo ha over the person that gets sucker punched, but the suffering of the aggressor gets a tad too undermined. I'm kidding. I just want to look badass, am I achieving it?

The load of work has been piling up and I've been effectively ignoring it and actively seeking the comfort my bed and pillows provide. The lack of motivation to get up and face the world is scaring me. Maybe it's because I'm under-achieving in so many areas, and yet I have everything. Oh I don't know, the irony is brimming to the point of ridiculous.

Anyways, just want to say that I've just turned legal. HMMMMMM.

The One

We're only going round and round,Circling an empty place,I wonder if you feel the same,Baby I just have to know,
If I am not the one, why we holding on?What's the point in all this time,Just to find, there's nothing here between us,If it's not for life,It's be cruel to be kind,Cos I've already been with you for way too long,If I am not the one.
Promises are hard to keep,The emptiness is hard to bear,When you know that if you reachA little deeper, nothing's there,Nothing's gonna to make it right,We're only gonna make it hurt,We're only gonna make it worse,
All we have is what we had,And that's just not enough,

Baby life ain't going, just let this be doneIf I am not the one

Entry 46

They ask me how do I deal with my grief. I told them, I don't. It's not like you wake up one day and everything is fine and dandy. It doesn't work that way. Whatever 5 step grief process I believe it to be cop out crap. A lie told to hurting people to plaster their wounds and hide it from the world, but not actually removing it. Might as well stick a hugeass bandaid saying "I'm hurting, beware." Denial, then anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. Ever heard of one step forward, two steps back. Bargaining to depression, and then back to anger. Vicious cycle. Vicious lies. You just wake up, too afraid to go out, fearful that the world will move on as if it doesn't sense your loss, insensitive to your pain and suffering. Too afraid to go out and face the people that keep saying "I'm sorry" when none of that is their fault. Angry too, that you're expected to move on as if nothing had happened. Oh, you're supposed to grief for as long as the flower withers, but when the flower blooms you need to be all smiles and candies. Because to dwell on the (very recent) past is a sign of weakness. To mourn publicly is annoyance to people who don't understand. So you don't. So I don't. I wake up, feeling every emotion hit me like an array of bullets, slowly and unfortunately painfully. And then I stand up, my legs filled with sand and the idea of going out with the sun shinning on my face overwhelms me with dread. But I do that anyway. I keep on doing it. I go on and on and on. I tell myself that I'm okay, so much so I start to believe it. On and on I go. Keep at it and I believe that it would take me somewhere. I don't talk about it. Because I'm okay. Because bawling in public for my loss isn't what I want. Because cursing and yelling "Fuck the world" isn't exactly going to bring back the dead. I'm tired of people what to do. In the end, I deal with my loss, my way. (Saw this in my journal. As much as it's emotionally charged, I love it.)

Grief

I'm sorry, but I'll deal with my loss, my way.

Endless Love

You will always be, my endless love.

Trip Down Memory Lane

This picture was taken in my brother's room, during a thunderstorm. The innocence back then.

I miss my secondary school days. Breaking the school rules with the boys and sneaking into the new hall #likeaboss. Coming into school late during recess. Almost getting suspended from being a councillor. Touching the "Do not touch" trophies. Making inside jokes like, "Oh I'm just jk-ing" or "Stop jk-ing around uh." Or walking around school when there's no teacher in class to get food in the canteen on the pretext to find the teacher. Rapping songs out loud. Having my math best friend with me during math class. Those were one of the best memories that my friends and I made together.

And I guess, we're granted to miss those times, but it's virtually impossible to get back there anymore. Everyone seemed to move on with their lives. I believe that in certain times of our lives, I've met these wonderful people for a period of time to mature me, to increase my awareness of the world, to make me laugh and sometimes, cry. Though they are kind of a passing phase, and maybe in the future we'll only be able to meet once or twice (refer to our failed plannings) their impact and influence are a lifetime.

So here's to the people in my life that were with me for a few years but it seemed like forever, to the people that made my life considerable tolerable, to the people that spiced up my life and moulded my character unintentionally, though these figures in my life aren't constant, the memories made are permanent.

I'm a cheese ball aren't I? (:

Walk On, Walk On

Bez Fwen 4eva. <3

Do you guys believe in hood love? Maybe. Have a lot of things going on now. Rethinking many things; my actions, my words. Sometimes I'm awed that I'm not crushed underneath all these crappy things going on around me. The only thing that keeps me going is God. I guess without Him, I'll just kill myself. I'm not even kidding. And I draw strength from my friends and family of course. Though they don't know what's going on, their nonsensical comments and retarded face shuns the hideous what ifs and the call that might inevitably come.

Hood love. When you're not here, then I miss you. Funny thing is, I just want to talk to you, tell you what has happened, but you're so faraway. Too faraway. So the saying is true, mayhaps, so near yet so far.

You know its not good news when your phone rings in the middle of the night.

Pass Out

This picture was taken when we were on the ferry from Rottnest Island back to Perth. Haha like you need to know. But it was freezing cold, and though you can't see it, the wind was whipping our faces. Just really busy nowadays. In the editorial team for the newspaper, got a free lancing job for national library, many well-known authors will be coming down. Hope Lisa Unger or Stephen White would be one of them. Working for Saveur, a french restaurant. Don't really need the money, but I'm just glad to help out.

Yeah yeah, we bring the stars out
We bring the women and the cars and the cards out
Let's have a toast, a celebration, get the glass out
And we can do this until we pass out

Rolling In The Deep

One of my favourite days in Perth. Wait, who am I kidding, all the days spent in Perth are my favourites. But this gotta be one of the highlights. It's the day when I talked in an Aussie-British accent the whole day, to waitress, to the small boy, to the small boy's parents, to my friends. It's the day, I rolled down the hill, over and over again. The day I wore 3 layers because it was chilling baby. The day I dougied during the sunset and laid on the grass with my shades on reading Stephen White's mind blowing thriller, with the ferris wheel humming the magical tune behind me.

I miss tumbling down the rolling hills, and wanting to do it all over again. Doesn't it feel like that in your life? You take a tumble, and you know you can't stop, you feel your shoulders popping and your arms aching and you want it to stop, and when you finally come to a halt, you just want to do it all over again. I guess it's my fault that I'm in this sticky situation though many tell me that it isn't, that it's the other party fault. But a little part of me argued back that if I hadn't turned my back, would this be the same result?

You could say I was tumbling through this dark tunnel, fingers crossed, eyes closed, too stubborn, too headstrong to open my eyes. I blame the hunger for adrenaline for the precarious fragile situation I am in. But you know, a heartbeat later, I'll do it all over again.

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

So I realized I need more pictures in my blog.



Look like I got short hair here. Behind me is the UWA aztec structure. The grandeur of it literally stole my breath away, I had to teach myself how to breathe in and breathe out.



This is a very "take me home, country road" feel. Taken in Rottnest Island. Miss the serenity and the tranquility there. Almost felt like no one could touch or hurt me there. Love this picture because it almost seems like I would just run down the isolated road away from the hectic schedule of my life. So long gay boys.

Anyways, there are more pictures, but I'll just post it for the next entry, and the next, and the next. Many a times, I would just want to hide (sembunyi) in someone elses life. Just pretend to be someone else for once. Don't need to be honest of who I am. Don't need to bother if my actions will affect others.

Because you'll slid your arm around me, and I'll pretend I didn't notice. And you would pretend that I didn't notice. And we'll just carry on in life, pretending to be someone else, because being us, is just too cruel.

Closed Off

Need to stop my mind from whirling. Reeling from the what ifs and the what could bes. Need to stop. But I can't help but think, just because it is, doesn't mean it should be.

Just because it's complicated, doesn't mean it should be.

Wish things would go back to the way it was. But no, I had to go on some sabbatical oath, to avoid you at all costs. Well, you bet your ass I'm paying.

Heart Lag

I don't want to say "I miss you" because it sounds even weak to my ears. I've been manipulated so many times, even before "I love you" starts to sound like a lie. Technically, I don't even know what missing feels like anymore. Hence I concluded to my confused state of mind that I don't miss anyone. And when I say "I miss you too," I feel as if I let the person down, such hypocrisy, such bullshit.

The 3 weeks that I've gone, so many things had happened. So many things that I would have never done, I did. You could say I cut myself loose. No more constantly watching my step, no more guarding my every word and move. Total abject surrender. Now that I'm back, I feel disconnected, distant even. So closed off from the world. You might probably go, "You're just being melodramatic. You're back now, you'll get use to it." Let me stop you there. No. I guess I have changed, it'll never be the same again. Don't know if I can adjust back to the constantly watching my move, and if a misstep is to take place, to try and fend off the preying wolves. I'm not sure if I can adjust back to the emotional abuse. To the people I don't want to see, refuse to see.

I probably lost you at bullshit, but I'll still continue anyway. We love to insert optimism into our words. Oh the birds are chirping, the sun is shinning brightly or I'm glad you're back. More than the other, the birds are squawking than chirping songs, the sun is shinning brightly, to encapsulate the insufferable heat that send tidal waves of sweat over you. I'm glad you're back. Are you.

Blame my skeptical mood for this morbid post. As selfish as this sounds, I think leaving Singapore have gained me more than I ever had a lifetime. And leaving Perth, well, I can only say that it's my loss.

I left my heart in Perth. Or San Francisco if you want to be poetic. But I realized I have failed terribly here.

So long gay boys.

Elephant In The Room

I have this ridiculous notion that if my tears don't fall, I'm not crying. I would suck in, hold in, reign in the tears. My eyes would grow water and glassy, but I refuse, absolutely to cry. Well used to. So imagine my indignation when one night, I woke up, sat up and started crying. Silently. The stubborn tears made it's trail down my cheeks. I was too tired, too sad, too angry at myself to wipe them away.

I thought to myself, why do bad things happen to good people. My answer? I drew up blank.

Trust me. I have a lot of answers. Answers that seem to satisfy some, but it definitely doesn't seem absolute enough to me, not whole enough. I don't understand. Or maybe I don't want to.

Anyways, as if on cue, the thunder rolled and streaks of lightning illuminate the sky outside. Talk about being dramatic. It sounds almost absurd, even to myself, but somehow I felt somewhat comforted. The rain that pelted my windows and the concrete pavements soothed my turmoil. As if the heavens were crying alongside with me.

After that episode, I realized, crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's strength. It means you're strong enough to show the world that you're not afraid to cry. Strong enough to know that, it's just weakness leaving the body. In liquid form of course. A wise woman once said, "Eyes are just a reflection of what the tears can bring."

Well it was said by me. But how true it is.

Innocence

So I was watching shows after shows and I realize I am such a softie. I losing my mojo here. I feel sorry for the villain that get their deserts. And we aren't talking about the mojojojo or gargamel badasses. But it's those torture, heartless, sadistic, psychopathic people that don't think twice about killing people. Or the other kind of "villain" would be those whores and sluts that bitch about people and sleep around with their best friend's boyfriends. When the tables are turned on them, I only get the shortest moment of gloating, before I feel sorry for their pitied state.

I guess I could say the same for my life. I always tell myself that it's too tiring bearing grudges and having cold wars and cold shoulders. I'm always so quick to forgive and forget, it's kind of alarming sometimes. But in the end, I found out, I'm always the receiving end of the blade. So, I'm still that person, except that I've harden myself to the world. The urge to forgive and forget is there, the sad feeling is still there. But you know, people only see what I want them to see. It's a quote from somewhere I can't remember. We only show what we want people to see.

Is it possible? To have a change of heart so quickly? To love someone with all your heart and then hate the person the next day. It's too hard, too confusing to think about it, to configure out whether it's a love-hate relationship. I just don't see how is that possible. To have a change of heart that quickly. It seems almost cruel.

Almost.

Restless Hearts, Sleep Alone Tonight

And being apart ain't easy on this love affair, two strangers learn to fall in love again.

Because we're on a race with time. And who are we kidding, time always win. I think, we waste our words on simple meaningless talk, we waste our time going round and round and round, and we don't take the time to say the words that are truly on our hearts. We waste our moments, we look the other way round when we see someone fragmented and broken. Because to care is to risk getting cut by the broken pieces.

But I'm not here to talk about indifference and apathy. I'm not here to talk about humanity.

I'm a work of art, aren't I? Lashed to this freight train all my life, too stubborn, too impervious to untie myself. I'd rather crash into heaven than leap into hell. If you know what I mean. Can't get my feelings straight, can't clear my head, it's full of the cluttered thoughts and disjointed words that I can't piece together.

Maybe "you guys look cute together" isn't a good enough reason for me. Food for thought, what then, will ever be good enough?

I'm yours, faithfully.

Humanity

I was thinking about the finality of it all – how somebody can leave your world in the blink of an eye and be gone forever. It’s too enormous to think about. It’s too hard. And then you’re just supposed to go on, right, like just deal with it, I mean really you’re only supposed to be sad for as long as the flowers last and then, oh, time to go back to telling jokes and reminiscing about the old days. I don’t have any jokes to tell. As a matter in fact I hope I never hear another joke as long as I live. And the old days are just that, they're old days, that are ... gone.

Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell cares.

It all just feels so fake, you know? This idea that good things happen to good people. That there's magic in the world, and that the meek and the righteous will inherit it. Too many good people suffer for that to be true. Too many prayers go unanswered. And every day it just gets worse. Every day we ignore how truly broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all going to be okay. But it's not going to be okay. And once you know that, there's no going back.

There's no magic in the world...at least today there isn't.

I'm tired of missing people. People that will never be back in my life anymore. It's so tiring. I know you're gone. And you're not coming back. But I was thinking maybe I could just see you again, or hear you assuring me that it's gonna be alright. I keep telling myself I need "me" time, and I'm starting to drift from the people around me, maybe one day, I might just lose it all. Recently, I've been getting snappy. They don't deserve to be snapped at.

Some people deal with death differently, and some, don't at all.

Lost Then Found

I’m staring at tears on the pages
Of letters that I never could write
And I know love isn’t painless
But it’s worth the risk; it’s worth the fight
I’m playing it over and over
I wish that I could turn back time
Maybe we were wrong but we could be right

Why do we say things we can’t take back?
And why do we miss what we never had?
Both of us fell to the ground
And love was so lost it couldn’t be found
What would it take to forget who’s blamed
I’m tired of crying at the sound of your name
Why don’t we turn this around
Love ain’t the enemy
Don’t you wanna be lost then found

Empty glasses and table’s
Echoes fill these rooms
The memories go where we go
They are like the suitcase that you never lose
If the good Lord’s eye is upon me
I swear to make things right
Whatever we lost I know we can find

The words come pouring out, can’t stop the rain
Wish that you could take it back but it’s to late it’s too late

We could be lost then found.

Run

So... I went for an hour's ran at my park today. Wanted to wake up at 6am to do a morning run, but who am I kidding, I shouldn't be that ambitious, slept through my alarm like a pig dreaming up a smorgasbord of bacon. Was supposed to go to lan today, but a selfish part of me said that I needed more "me" time. So instead of morning run, it turned to evening run. Works with me. *shrugs shoulder*

What spurred this bum toward staying healthy? I suspected I just needed to clear my head from all the static. It was a good run, no doubt. Spied a lot of hot guys, if only I could keep up with them. Haha. Along the way, while I was getting all out of breath, a guy jogged up beside me and asked me, it sounds suspiciously close to "You wanna run with me?" But I was blasting all types screamo and rock and going all pro-loud music, I couldn't really hear him. So I just shook my head and pointed at my earphones. He got the drift, and went the other way. Sorry dude, I work alone. And besides, there's a slim to a never chance I couldn't keep up with him.

Needed that one hour to work out my issues and assess the situation I'm in. Pun intended. The people jogging were a distraction, nonetheless. Hot bods that smile at you when you pass by. Mmm. Well, getting back on track, oh God, pun again, and I don't even try that hard. Haha. HMM.

You could say that I've been running all my life. When faced with something, I would rather run than confront it head on. I was more of a flight person than taking the bull by it's horns and making it bow to you. I avoided conflicts and politics at all costs, because, because of this sole reason of knowing what it's like to be caught between. Call me an escapist, but at least I face up to what I am, what I've been.

You know, there's a difference between depending and trusting, more often than not, it's not the same. People that I know would say trust no one, but yourself. I beg to differ, depend on yourself and God, and trust some people. Because the people that you put your trust in, is gonna do the same, and with that, life would be considerably much easier and affordable knowing that you have people you can trust. Imagine a life that consist of constantly looking back to see if anyone has stab your back. That would suck. As much as trust no one sounds really appealing, but in order to survive, I run to you.

This world keeps spinning faster, into a new disaster, so I run to you. I run to You. (:

It's A Start

It's a start. I wouldn't say this is a new blog, though, I quipped to myself that it's a reinvention of myself. Looking back at my old blogs, I would say it was dark and morbid, enlightening my friends and possibly family about this dark side that never surfaced. I don't promise this blog to be optimistic - filled with rainbows, skittles and unicorns. Tempting though. I guess this would be a platter of the truth, however served, warm, cold, medium, rare, sexy with hot abs. Hence the name "silver of truth."

To kickstart this blog, I guess I'll delve into this whole philosophical shenanigan about truth and lies. People are delusional. They would rather be entangled in Aunt Denial's web of lies, where she would meld them into fake superficial warmth, the web slowly closing up on them, and before they know it, they would be suffocated in the delusion. Delirious perhaps. But I guess they are contented with lying to themselves. A dogged-denial of the cold hard truth. Be it the simple fact that they play God. Or the more, hmm, dramatic effect of their husbands having an affair.

We drown ourselves with what ifs and what nots. What if he loved me. What if she didn't leave me. What if. What if. Life is too short for "What ifs." Trust me, I've been there. I pride in being delusional, not accepting truths at face value. I'd rather cast a veil over my eyes than see the monstrous truth behind some people. Why? Probably fear of the unknown, the unpredictability - I can't deal with that. The sheer fact that if by acknowledging the truth could ruined me, I rather not know at all.

But you see, life has a funny way of dealing with you. It dispensate the lessons on a pathway that you'll pass, and if you don't learn from the lesson, well, let's just say that it's your loss. We all want closure. Even if it's by swallowing the cold and hard truth, even though stomaching it might turn your belly into ice. We all need closure. They say that the truth will set you free. Or perhaps, put you in a whole new prison. And only the truth can lead to closure. Which brings me to an end by encompassing this quote by Shakespeare that I've learnt by hard.

"And by a sleep to say we end, the heartaches and the thousand natural shock the flesh is heir to. Tis' a consummation, devout'ly to be wish'd."