I don't want to say "I miss you" because it sounds even weak to my ears. I've been manipulated so many times, even before "I love you" starts to sound like a lie. Technically, I don't even know what missing feels like anymore. Hence I concluded to my confused state of mind that I don't miss anyone. And when I say "I miss you too," I feel as if I let the person down, such hypocrisy, such bullshit.
The 3 weeks that I've gone, so many things had happened. So many things that I would have never done, I did. You could say I cut myself loose. No more constantly watching my step, no more guarding my every word and move. Total abject surrender. Now that I'm back, I feel disconnected, distant even. So closed off from the world. You might probably go, "You're just being melodramatic. You're back now, you'll get use to it." Let me stop you there. No. I guess I have changed, it'll never be the same again. Don't know if I can adjust back to the constantly watching my move, and if a misstep is to take place, to try and fend off the preying wolves. I'm not sure if I can adjust back to the emotional abuse. To the people I don't want to see, refuse to see.
I probably lost you at bullshit, but I'll still continue anyway. We love to insert optimism into our words. Oh the birds are chirping, the sun is shinning brightly or I'm glad you're back. More than the other, the birds are squawking than chirping songs, the sun is shinning brightly, to encapsulate the insufferable heat that send tidal waves of sweat over you. I'm glad you're back. Are you.
Blame my skeptical mood for this morbid post. As selfish as this sounds, I think leaving Singapore have gained me more than I ever had a lifetime. And leaving Perth, well, I can only say that it's my loss.
I left my heart in Perth. Or San Francisco if you want to be poetic. But I realized I have failed terribly here.
So long gay boys.
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