Hurdle

I've became the very person they've warned me about. I've became the very person I said I wouldn't be. Why do I have to get past a hurdle only to face yet another hurdle head on. It doesn't seem fair then. It sure as hell doesn't seem fair now. 

You know, Russ told me that they do the haka (war) dance before they started the game. It was meant to scare the opposing team. Well, somewhat I feel like I'm doing that, except that I'm doing it alone and the opposing team isn't exactly intimidated. 

As cliche and as vulnerable I sound now, I don't want to talk to anyone because if they looked at me with disdain, I don't know if I can recover from it. I'm as weak as I am strong. I don't know if I can withstand the judgement from the people I call friends or family. I'm scared of what they'll say back. Then again, my fears might be unfounded, they can be accepting and encouraging as ever. I don't want to take the chances. 

You know. I can preferably gauge all my good friends replies to my distress. The pause to think of something practical. The God answer. The Well, sometimes... I know. I know. 

There's one person that I could always confide to, besides God. That one person that seen me bawl about my life. That one person who was the only one that gave me a hug when I was looking away and crying. That one person whom I think I've lost. That one person whom I refuse to call. That one person whom I will not go to, not now, not ever because my pride won't let me. 

I've became the very person they've warned me about. They didn't tell me what happen after that.