Settling Down?

I don't know who reads this blog anymore. It could be just me, going to my blog and looking at my DNA and fingerprints all over the posts.

Everyone around me are couples, getting attached, married even. To tell you the truth? I don't feel pressured at all. I mean, getting into a relationship is easy, labeling a guy as your boyfriend is easy, but settling down? Hmm not so. Maybe I like where I am now. I like that I have a freedom to do whatever I want because I'm single. No limitations.

I don't try hard enough maybe. But I have so many things on my plate, and a boyfriend would just go tipping my duck confit with mash potato on it over. I can't have that now, can I?

The notion of settling down scares me to the end of earth and back. You asked me, and I said no. I wasn't ready then, sure as hell not ready now, or in the near future. Never bring up the M word. It's just a cardinal rule for me and my friends. Marriage isn't for me now.

Maybe I'll find true love. Who knows? Maybe it'll come in a form of a gorgeous ang moh with a british accent. Still hoping, haha. Maybe it'll come in a form of a dream. Or in a form of a career. I'll never know. Many people find this absurd, but I still go with the notion of "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

My good friend tell me its stupid, but I can't help but believe that what is meant to be, will work out eventually. So yeah. Goodbye for now. If I ever fall head over heels in love, please set me free.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye, When It Comes To This

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away


I've moved on. I mean, we all had. You know, but there's those secret couple of times we look back and we tear up and the memories and the could have been. I guess I just think of you when I feel so stuck, and so tired and beaten down. I think that how could you have gone before me, I needed you to be here. You were always the constant factor. I would always come home to you yakking away, talking and walking around. I thought you would always be there. Always be here. 


But then you were hacking away at the hospital, and I watch as the life drained from you and as the coughing ceased. I watch as you reach the other side, this time, without me. I feel so left behind you know. I  hated watching, but I just can't tear my eyes away because I knew that would be the last moment I had left with you. 


I miss you so much. I thought you were so strong you would have made it through whatever, its so hard to acknowledge that you are now gone forever. 


Rest in peace, grandma. I love you, always. 

Dead End

Its funny how I always turn to electronic device for comfort, it seem like I am devoid of any human interaction. Everyone just feels so far away you know? Or maybe I'm the one that is far away, the one that strayed because I can't stand by and do nothing. 

They say I'm on a roll, but every roll gotta have a stop. Mayhaps I hit the wall pretty hard to finally come to a stop. Cause when you're this low, everywhere you try to go feels like a dead end. 

I'm not trying to be emotional, in fact, I'm pretty much lacking in emotions right now. All I feel, and all I ever did feel for this week is tiredness. I can't even work myself up to throw a fit. Mentally and physically drained. I'm getting so annoyed and wanting to be by myself all the time. 

I miss so many people right now its hard to figure out if the feeling is "missing." I'm just worn out. I wish the flurry of attacks on every aspect of my life would stop. 

Just stop.

(:

(CAUSE I'M A SMOOTH CRIMINAL SMOOTH CRIMINAL)

Had a few good heart to heart talks. And I'm really grateful for the people that God has placed into my life. Its amazing how far I had come, I mean despite the melo-dramatic moments, the fighting, the shouting and the lies, I've become a far stronger person than I used to be.

So kudos to everyone that had came into my life, whether for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Maybe one day I'll understand why some had to go, but till that day comes, I'm thankful that I've got to know each and everyone of you, despite the differences.

Theres a lot of things I don't know, a lot of areas I am uncertain and I'm dabbling into areas unsuspectingly, trusting God will provide and protect. And for those who are not in this with me, supporting me, I hope you won't bring me down and stay out of my way.

So heres to the future and the many amazing encounters to come. (:

A Little Bit Stronger

Stupid song made me think of you, I listened to it for a minute but then I changed it. I'm getting a little bit stronger. Just a little bit stronger.

Balance

Miss steffer! ): We just stood there in the middle of nowhere, and I asked "Don't you need to go." And she said, "I can't bear to." What was that? Did you hear it? That was my heart shattering. Haha.

I believe that there's a balance to everything. The whole yin and yang saga. The chaos and zen mode. Good to evil and evil to good. In any psychopath, murderers, rapists, I choose to believe that there's still good in them. The drive to rape, kill, become a psychotic sadist is not from within, but from a greater evil of the world. Of course they still have a part to play as they chose to do it, but I sympathize with these people, that evil prevails over the good in their lives.

A child is born to good, a child is born to innocence, a child is born with clean hands and a pure heart. How then, have they went horribly wrong. I refuse to believe that they were wired wrong. Everyone has a great destiny and purpose. Why do we choose to believe that there is none. That we choose to believe that only darkness and hurting awaits us, that we can't differ from the horrible path we've placed ourselves upon.

In the end, the consequences are a brick wall. Hard and unforgiving.

Gimme More

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. You know, because courage isn't the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. And sometimes it feels like the fear of the unknown is like the approaching shadow of the day, fast and unbecoming. The increasing volume of dark spot in your sunny day. You just want to run away from the uncertainty of it all, the darkness that threatens to overwhelm you. But as dark as it gets, as big and frightening as it may seem, a shadow can only glide pass you, it will do you no harm.

Once you step out in faith to do the things of your heart's desire, you'll see the shadows fade away. And honestly, I know what I want to do. It's so strong I can't deny. Then again, I can be so convicted in my faith, in the prophesy realm, in the supernatural, even in academics wise, I fail in other aspects, oh I don't know, maybe love.

The idea of commitment scares me. Hell, the notion of commitment have me bulleting in the opposite direction. I do not have enough faith not to bolt. The again, what the hell, I might be so love drunk I forget my fear and dive straight into the whole romance saga.