The One

We're only going round and round,Circling an empty place,I wonder if you feel the same,Baby I just have to know,
If I am not the one, why we holding on?What's the point in all this time,Just to find, there's nothing here between us,If it's not for life,It's be cruel to be kind,Cos I've already been with you for way too long,If I am not the one.
Promises are hard to keep,The emptiness is hard to bear,When you know that if you reachA little deeper, nothing's there,Nothing's gonna to make it right,We're only gonna make it hurt,We're only gonna make it worse,
All we have is what we had,And that's just not enough,

Baby life ain't going, just let this be doneIf I am not the one

Entry 46

They ask me how do I deal with my grief. I told them, I don't. It's not like you wake up one day and everything is fine and dandy. It doesn't work that way. Whatever 5 step grief process I believe it to be cop out crap. A lie told to hurting people to plaster their wounds and hide it from the world, but not actually removing it. Might as well stick a hugeass bandaid saying "I'm hurting, beware." Denial, then anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. Ever heard of one step forward, two steps back. Bargaining to depression, and then back to anger. Vicious cycle. Vicious lies. You just wake up, too afraid to go out, fearful that the world will move on as if it doesn't sense your loss, insensitive to your pain and suffering. Too afraid to go out and face the people that keep saying "I'm sorry" when none of that is their fault. Angry too, that you're expected to move on as if nothing had happened. Oh, you're supposed to grief for as long as the flower withers, but when the flower blooms you need to be all smiles and candies. Because to dwell on the (very recent) past is a sign of weakness. To mourn publicly is annoyance to people who don't understand. So you don't. So I don't. I wake up, feeling every emotion hit me like an array of bullets, slowly and unfortunately painfully. And then I stand up, my legs filled with sand and the idea of going out with the sun shinning on my face overwhelms me with dread. But I do that anyway. I keep on doing it. I go on and on and on. I tell myself that I'm okay, so much so I start to believe it. On and on I go. Keep at it and I believe that it would take me somewhere. I don't talk about it. Because I'm okay. Because bawling in public for my loss isn't what I want. Because cursing and yelling "Fuck the world" isn't exactly going to bring back the dead. I'm tired of people what to do. In the end, I deal with my loss, my way. (Saw this in my journal. As much as it's emotionally charged, I love it.)

Grief

I'm sorry, but I'll deal with my loss, my way.

Endless Love

You will always be, my endless love.

Trip Down Memory Lane

This picture was taken in my brother's room, during a thunderstorm. The innocence back then.

I miss my secondary school days. Breaking the school rules with the boys and sneaking into the new hall #likeaboss. Coming into school late during recess. Almost getting suspended from being a councillor. Touching the "Do not touch" trophies. Making inside jokes like, "Oh I'm just jk-ing" or "Stop jk-ing around uh." Or walking around school when there's no teacher in class to get food in the canteen on the pretext to find the teacher. Rapping songs out loud. Having my math best friend with me during math class. Those were one of the best memories that my friends and I made together.

And I guess, we're granted to miss those times, but it's virtually impossible to get back there anymore. Everyone seemed to move on with their lives. I believe that in certain times of our lives, I've met these wonderful people for a period of time to mature me, to increase my awareness of the world, to make me laugh and sometimes, cry. Though they are kind of a passing phase, and maybe in the future we'll only be able to meet once or twice (refer to our failed plannings) their impact and influence are a lifetime.

So here's to the people in my life that were with me for a few years but it seemed like forever, to the people that made my life considerable tolerable, to the people that spiced up my life and moulded my character unintentionally, though these figures in my life aren't constant, the memories made are permanent.

I'm a cheese ball aren't I? (:

Walk On, Walk On

Bez Fwen 4eva. <3

Do you guys believe in hood love? Maybe. Have a lot of things going on now. Rethinking many things; my actions, my words. Sometimes I'm awed that I'm not crushed underneath all these crappy things going on around me. The only thing that keeps me going is God. I guess without Him, I'll just kill myself. I'm not even kidding. And I draw strength from my friends and family of course. Though they don't know what's going on, their nonsensical comments and retarded face shuns the hideous what ifs and the call that might inevitably come.

Hood love. When you're not here, then I miss you. Funny thing is, I just want to talk to you, tell you what has happened, but you're so faraway. Too faraway. So the saying is true, mayhaps, so near yet so far.

You know its not good news when your phone rings in the middle of the night.

Pass Out

This picture was taken when we were on the ferry from Rottnest Island back to Perth. Haha like you need to know. But it was freezing cold, and though you can't see it, the wind was whipping our faces. Just really busy nowadays. In the editorial team for the newspaper, got a free lancing job for national library, many well-known authors will be coming down. Hope Lisa Unger or Stephen White would be one of them. Working for Saveur, a french restaurant. Don't really need the money, but I'm just glad to help out.

Yeah yeah, we bring the stars out
We bring the women and the cars and the cards out
Let's have a toast, a celebration, get the glass out
And we can do this until we pass out

Rolling In The Deep

One of my favourite days in Perth. Wait, who am I kidding, all the days spent in Perth are my favourites. But this gotta be one of the highlights. It's the day when I talked in an Aussie-British accent the whole day, to waitress, to the small boy, to the small boy's parents, to my friends. It's the day, I rolled down the hill, over and over again. The day I wore 3 layers because it was chilling baby. The day I dougied during the sunset and laid on the grass with my shades on reading Stephen White's mind blowing thriller, with the ferris wheel humming the magical tune behind me.

I miss tumbling down the rolling hills, and wanting to do it all over again. Doesn't it feel like that in your life? You take a tumble, and you know you can't stop, you feel your shoulders popping and your arms aching and you want it to stop, and when you finally come to a halt, you just want to do it all over again. I guess it's my fault that I'm in this sticky situation though many tell me that it isn't, that it's the other party fault. But a little part of me argued back that if I hadn't turned my back, would this be the same result?

You could say I was tumbling through this dark tunnel, fingers crossed, eyes closed, too stubborn, too headstrong to open my eyes. I blame the hunger for adrenaline for the precarious fragile situation I am in. But you know, a heartbeat later, I'll do it all over again.

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

So I realized I need more pictures in my blog.



Look like I got short hair here. Behind me is the UWA aztec structure. The grandeur of it literally stole my breath away, I had to teach myself how to breathe in and breathe out.



This is a very "take me home, country road" feel. Taken in Rottnest Island. Miss the serenity and the tranquility there. Almost felt like no one could touch or hurt me there. Love this picture because it almost seems like I would just run down the isolated road away from the hectic schedule of my life. So long gay boys.

Anyways, there are more pictures, but I'll just post it for the next entry, and the next, and the next. Many a times, I would just want to hide (sembunyi) in someone elses life. Just pretend to be someone else for once. Don't need to be honest of who I am. Don't need to bother if my actions will affect others.

Because you'll slid your arm around me, and I'll pretend I didn't notice. And you would pretend that I didn't notice. And we'll just carry on in life, pretending to be someone else, because being us, is just too cruel.

Closed Off

Need to stop my mind from whirling. Reeling from the what ifs and the what could bes. Need to stop. But I can't help but think, just because it is, doesn't mean it should be.

Just because it's complicated, doesn't mean it should be.

Wish things would go back to the way it was. But no, I had to go on some sabbatical oath, to avoid you at all costs. Well, you bet your ass I'm paying.

Heart Lag

I don't want to say "I miss you" because it sounds even weak to my ears. I've been manipulated so many times, even before "I love you" starts to sound like a lie. Technically, I don't even know what missing feels like anymore. Hence I concluded to my confused state of mind that I don't miss anyone. And when I say "I miss you too," I feel as if I let the person down, such hypocrisy, such bullshit.

The 3 weeks that I've gone, so many things had happened. So many things that I would have never done, I did. You could say I cut myself loose. No more constantly watching my step, no more guarding my every word and move. Total abject surrender. Now that I'm back, I feel disconnected, distant even. So closed off from the world. You might probably go, "You're just being melodramatic. You're back now, you'll get use to it." Let me stop you there. No. I guess I have changed, it'll never be the same again. Don't know if I can adjust back to the constantly watching my move, and if a misstep is to take place, to try and fend off the preying wolves. I'm not sure if I can adjust back to the emotional abuse. To the people I don't want to see, refuse to see.

I probably lost you at bullshit, but I'll still continue anyway. We love to insert optimism into our words. Oh the birds are chirping, the sun is shinning brightly or I'm glad you're back. More than the other, the birds are squawking than chirping songs, the sun is shinning brightly, to encapsulate the insufferable heat that send tidal waves of sweat over you. I'm glad you're back. Are you.

Blame my skeptical mood for this morbid post. As selfish as this sounds, I think leaving Singapore have gained me more than I ever had a lifetime. And leaving Perth, well, I can only say that it's my loss.

I left my heart in Perth. Or San Francisco if you want to be poetic. But I realized I have failed terribly here.

So long gay boys.