Elephant In The Room

I have this ridiculous notion that if my tears don't fall, I'm not crying. I would suck in, hold in, reign in the tears. My eyes would grow water and glassy, but I refuse, absolutely to cry. Well used to. So imagine my indignation when one night, I woke up, sat up and started crying. Silently. The stubborn tears made it's trail down my cheeks. I was too tired, too sad, too angry at myself to wipe them away.

I thought to myself, why do bad things happen to good people. My answer? I drew up blank.

Trust me. I have a lot of answers. Answers that seem to satisfy some, but it definitely doesn't seem absolute enough to me, not whole enough. I don't understand. Or maybe I don't want to.

Anyways, as if on cue, the thunder rolled and streaks of lightning illuminate the sky outside. Talk about being dramatic. It sounds almost absurd, even to myself, but somehow I felt somewhat comforted. The rain that pelted my windows and the concrete pavements soothed my turmoil. As if the heavens were crying alongside with me.

After that episode, I realized, crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's strength. It means you're strong enough to show the world that you're not afraid to cry. Strong enough to know that, it's just weakness leaving the body. In liquid form of course. A wise woman once said, "Eyes are just a reflection of what the tears can bring."

Well it was said by me. But how true it is.

Innocence

So I was watching shows after shows and I realize I am such a softie. I losing my mojo here. I feel sorry for the villain that get their deserts. And we aren't talking about the mojojojo or gargamel badasses. But it's those torture, heartless, sadistic, psychopathic people that don't think twice about killing people. Or the other kind of "villain" would be those whores and sluts that bitch about people and sleep around with their best friend's boyfriends. When the tables are turned on them, I only get the shortest moment of gloating, before I feel sorry for their pitied state.

I guess I could say the same for my life. I always tell myself that it's too tiring bearing grudges and having cold wars and cold shoulders. I'm always so quick to forgive and forget, it's kind of alarming sometimes. But in the end, I found out, I'm always the receiving end of the blade. So, I'm still that person, except that I've harden myself to the world. The urge to forgive and forget is there, the sad feeling is still there. But you know, people only see what I want them to see. It's a quote from somewhere I can't remember. We only show what we want people to see.

Is it possible? To have a change of heart so quickly? To love someone with all your heart and then hate the person the next day. It's too hard, too confusing to think about it, to configure out whether it's a love-hate relationship. I just don't see how is that possible. To have a change of heart that quickly. It seems almost cruel.

Almost.

Restless Hearts, Sleep Alone Tonight

And being apart ain't easy on this love affair, two strangers learn to fall in love again.

Because we're on a race with time. And who are we kidding, time always win. I think, we waste our words on simple meaningless talk, we waste our time going round and round and round, and we don't take the time to say the words that are truly on our hearts. We waste our moments, we look the other way round when we see someone fragmented and broken. Because to care is to risk getting cut by the broken pieces.

But I'm not here to talk about indifference and apathy. I'm not here to talk about humanity.

I'm a work of art, aren't I? Lashed to this freight train all my life, too stubborn, too impervious to untie myself. I'd rather crash into heaven than leap into hell. If you know what I mean. Can't get my feelings straight, can't clear my head, it's full of the cluttered thoughts and disjointed words that I can't piece together.

Maybe "you guys look cute together" isn't a good enough reason for me. Food for thought, what then, will ever be good enough?

I'm yours, faithfully.

Humanity

I was thinking about the finality of it all – how somebody can leave your world in the blink of an eye and be gone forever. It’s too enormous to think about. It’s too hard. And then you’re just supposed to go on, right, like just deal with it, I mean really you’re only supposed to be sad for as long as the flowers last and then, oh, time to go back to telling jokes and reminiscing about the old days. I don’t have any jokes to tell. As a matter in fact I hope I never hear another joke as long as I live. And the old days are just that, they're old days, that are ... gone.

Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell cares.

It all just feels so fake, you know? This idea that good things happen to good people. That there's magic in the world, and that the meek and the righteous will inherit it. Too many good people suffer for that to be true. Too many prayers go unanswered. And every day it just gets worse. Every day we ignore how truly broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all going to be okay. But it's not going to be okay. And once you know that, there's no going back.

There's no magic in the world...at least today there isn't.

I'm tired of missing people. People that will never be back in my life anymore. It's so tiring. I know you're gone. And you're not coming back. But I was thinking maybe I could just see you again, or hear you assuring me that it's gonna be alright. I keep telling myself I need "me" time, and I'm starting to drift from the people around me, maybe one day, I might just lose it all. Recently, I've been getting snappy. They don't deserve to be snapped at.

Some people deal with death differently, and some, don't at all.

Lost Then Found

I’m staring at tears on the pages
Of letters that I never could write
And I know love isn’t painless
But it’s worth the risk; it’s worth the fight
I’m playing it over and over
I wish that I could turn back time
Maybe we were wrong but we could be right

Why do we say things we can’t take back?
And why do we miss what we never had?
Both of us fell to the ground
And love was so lost it couldn’t be found
What would it take to forget who’s blamed
I’m tired of crying at the sound of your name
Why don’t we turn this around
Love ain’t the enemy
Don’t you wanna be lost then found

Empty glasses and table’s
Echoes fill these rooms
The memories go where we go
They are like the suitcase that you never lose
If the good Lord’s eye is upon me
I swear to make things right
Whatever we lost I know we can find

The words come pouring out, can’t stop the rain
Wish that you could take it back but it’s to late it’s too late

We could be lost then found.

Run

So... I went for an hour's ran at my park today. Wanted to wake up at 6am to do a morning run, but who am I kidding, I shouldn't be that ambitious, slept through my alarm like a pig dreaming up a smorgasbord of bacon. Was supposed to go to lan today, but a selfish part of me said that I needed more "me" time. So instead of morning run, it turned to evening run. Works with me. *shrugs shoulder*

What spurred this bum toward staying healthy? I suspected I just needed to clear my head from all the static. It was a good run, no doubt. Spied a lot of hot guys, if only I could keep up with them. Haha. Along the way, while I was getting all out of breath, a guy jogged up beside me and asked me, it sounds suspiciously close to "You wanna run with me?" But I was blasting all types screamo and rock and going all pro-loud music, I couldn't really hear him. So I just shook my head and pointed at my earphones. He got the drift, and went the other way. Sorry dude, I work alone. And besides, there's a slim to a never chance I couldn't keep up with him.

Needed that one hour to work out my issues and assess the situation I'm in. Pun intended. The people jogging were a distraction, nonetheless. Hot bods that smile at you when you pass by. Mmm. Well, getting back on track, oh God, pun again, and I don't even try that hard. Haha. HMM.

You could say that I've been running all my life. When faced with something, I would rather run than confront it head on. I was more of a flight person than taking the bull by it's horns and making it bow to you. I avoided conflicts and politics at all costs, because, because of this sole reason of knowing what it's like to be caught between. Call me an escapist, but at least I face up to what I am, what I've been.

You know, there's a difference between depending and trusting, more often than not, it's not the same. People that I know would say trust no one, but yourself. I beg to differ, depend on yourself and God, and trust some people. Because the people that you put your trust in, is gonna do the same, and with that, life would be considerably much easier and affordable knowing that you have people you can trust. Imagine a life that consist of constantly looking back to see if anyone has stab your back. That would suck. As much as trust no one sounds really appealing, but in order to survive, I run to you.

This world keeps spinning faster, into a new disaster, so I run to you. I run to You. (:

It's A Start

It's a start. I wouldn't say this is a new blog, though, I quipped to myself that it's a reinvention of myself. Looking back at my old blogs, I would say it was dark and morbid, enlightening my friends and possibly family about this dark side that never surfaced. I don't promise this blog to be optimistic - filled with rainbows, skittles and unicorns. Tempting though. I guess this would be a platter of the truth, however served, warm, cold, medium, rare, sexy with hot abs. Hence the name "silver of truth."

To kickstart this blog, I guess I'll delve into this whole philosophical shenanigan about truth and lies. People are delusional. They would rather be entangled in Aunt Denial's web of lies, where she would meld them into fake superficial warmth, the web slowly closing up on them, and before they know it, they would be suffocated in the delusion. Delirious perhaps. But I guess they are contented with lying to themselves. A dogged-denial of the cold hard truth. Be it the simple fact that they play God. Or the more, hmm, dramatic effect of their husbands having an affair.

We drown ourselves with what ifs and what nots. What if he loved me. What if she didn't leave me. What if. What if. Life is too short for "What ifs." Trust me, I've been there. I pride in being delusional, not accepting truths at face value. I'd rather cast a veil over my eyes than see the monstrous truth behind some people. Why? Probably fear of the unknown, the unpredictability - I can't deal with that. The sheer fact that if by acknowledging the truth could ruined me, I rather not know at all.

But you see, life has a funny way of dealing with you. It dispensate the lessons on a pathway that you'll pass, and if you don't learn from the lesson, well, let's just say that it's your loss. We all want closure. Even if it's by swallowing the cold and hard truth, even though stomaching it might turn your belly into ice. We all need closure. They say that the truth will set you free. Or perhaps, put you in a whole new prison. And only the truth can lead to closure. Which brings me to an end by encompassing this quote by Shakespeare that I've learnt by hard.

"And by a sleep to say we end, the heartaches and the thousand natural shock the flesh is heir to. Tis' a consummation, devout'ly to be wish'd."