Contrary To Popular Belief

I never saw this day coming.

Looked back on my posts, most of which were rather emotionally fuelled. I admit, my words were sharp, emotional and so god damn beautifully woven together. It seemed as though my life is surging of darkness, incapacitated of love and compassion, full of emotional distress and tumultuous feelings.

Let me clear this up for you, it is not. Okay maybe void of love and compassion, that needs more clarification.

Yes there were some days I feel like strangling people. Some days I wanted to strangle myself. I would never do that, I think really highly of myself. There were days I think I am God's gift to anyone who lay their eyes on me, some other days I think I'm a piece of black thrash swirling in the hurricane. This posts created were on days I felt like a piece of black thrash.

You must understand I wrote the various pieces with Kelly Clarkson screaming "BECAUSE OF YOU ARE THE SHAME OF MY LIFE BECAUSE IS EMPTY AND NOW I CRY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR THE SAME DAMN THING" But jokes aside, I don't make up facts just to write bawl about it every night articles. There are fractures in my life that has impacted me more negatively than positively.

Looking back, I still won't see this day coming. I was made weak by time and fate, but strong in will. I fought, I strived, I seek, but I never yielded.

I like to look at the lemon tree. Many people don't get me. They don't get why I am such a stubborn pain in the ass. And I wonder. I know what I want. I get what I want. I am selfish. And it's just another lemon tree.

A Tragedy I Fear

It's twice amount of grief because 2 brothers died in an accident. While I am saddened by the news and even more upset when I saw the mother's reaction upon the accident site, it made me reflect. What was I doing then when a tragedy, just a street down, happened? I remember telling my friend that I would pray for the boy, but I ended up watching Desperate Housewives. When the news came that both were confirmed dead, I was stressing out on my report. To be honest, I was sad for only a mere second before slamming my fingers down onto my keyboard, typing out my report. 

It's funny how it happened a street down, 2 young lives were taken, and I was more worried about my grades. My life was intact at that moment, I nod, sympathise, offer a prayer up to God, but then I'll just move on with my life. It won't even take a minute actually for all the above mention to take place. But on the other side of the street, a grieving mother and father lives had shattered. Fractured. Unprepared. Fragmented. Searching for the hidden meaning in every little thing. Replaying the events of that day a hundred thousand times, looking for clues. An alternate ending. 

This would stay with them for the rest of their lives. The boys' room would be a reminder of what could have been and what had been. Every year would be a living nightmare, relieving the last memory they have of their sons. Grief is not a linear. It is a slow, a very slow progression to healing. It's a terrible zig zag back and forth from devastated to okay and then back to devastated. No one should experience such grief, but unfortunately, death is part of life. 

I think we waste our words, we waste our moments, and we don't truly say the things on our minds until it's too late. And when I say "too late", it meant saying it at the eulogy. It's not enough. Grab your moments, grab your words, and as the cliche goes, say it as it is. Raw, unprepared, incoherent, but from your heart. 

I take solace and comfort that the boys are in a better place called heaven, where reckless drivers do not exist. 

Darkness Has A Name

The worst feeling is coming out of denial into reality, and realizing that all these while, you've lost yourself. Have you ever take a double take on your values, your moral standings, words and actions, and think to yourself, "Hmm, maybe because I've been conditioned that way all my life"? Growing up, I've taken everything on face value, place a veil over my eyes and refuse point blank to remove it and see the world as it is. It's denial at best, but I felt safe, built a haven from the chaos, bloodshed and mess from the world. I don't want to grow up and have responsibilities. I want to be protected forever, loved and babyed. I guess when you wake up from all these, the epiphany hits you squarely in the face and the pain envelops you, overwhelms, lull you into surrender.

Sitting there, it was dark and quiet, but still, the lights outside casted a silhouette, my silhouette. However, the darkness inside me, is thick and overbearing. Quiet but threatening. Something scared me  and it was not the darkness. It was the fact that I was not scared of what was out there in the dark, I didn't care what would happen to me. I didn't care. It was as if I had became one with the darkness. Thick and overbearing, lost in the throes of my despair, the inner grottos of my thoughts; gloomy and morbid.

Even then, there was a light, so small you would have missed it if you weren't searching for it. Flickering, yet fighting valiantly to shine bright. And I think to myself, the times during a horror movie and the heroine's torch goes out. And no matter how many times she hits it, it won't turn back on. I wonder why was it so different for that small light I see. Why does it struggle when it is going to go off anyways? What for fight the darkness? I mean, if you can't beat it, join it right.

Then I lost my emotional footing and stumbled back into the past. I saw a little girl, traumatised by the beheading of a hostage by the Taliban. She slept with her parents that night, and while having nightmares she sleep talked. "Mom, you need to give brother money." And the mother, curious, asked her, "For what, darling?" "You need to give brother money to buy the head." And then the image dissolved into a scene inside a bus. This time, two teenage girls sitting side by side, decked in school uniforms. The first girl pulled down her collar and pointed at red marks that looked like rashes. "What's that man?" The second girl asked. The first girl replied, "Hickeys. He gave me hickeys that day dude. I've been wearing collar shirts and scarves to avoid my mom's questions." The other girl sighed and looked out of the window, wondering how was she going to stop her best friend from getting her and let her down easy. It wasn't the first time she became an emotional wreck. She replied, "What the hell. What were you thinking? But you know, if he makes you happy, I support you two." It ended with the first girl choosing the boyfriend that abuses her over her best friend. The friendship ended with a shouting match.

The next scene was a slightly older girl curled up in a sofa sobbing silently into her shirt, a phone in her hand. "She wants to talk to you" The receiver whispered. "Its been 4 years." She whispered back, "Why now?"

Why now? As I flip the memories over in my mind, I see a girl, despite being hurt over and over again, despite being scared from an inch of her life, she wanted to help. Why now? Why when I want to give up and give in to depression the damn light just won't go out? It flickers, letting me glance at my smiling memories briefly before it goes back into darkness. It flickers again, letting me see the smiles I've placed on people's faces before going dim. It flickers yet one more time, showing me the fractured pieces of my life.

Okay

I don't know why I come back to the blog. It's obvious that I have conditioned it poorly and only come to it when I need to rant or prove that my English is still up to par. No one reads it I think. If you're reading it, well, I don't know how you stumble across this poor excuse of a blog, but welcome anyways.

Life has been tumultuous. To some people, it probably is a good thing. But to me, it's hell. I like to laze around and I really value sleep. It's crazy running up and then, rushing work, worrying about internship and the never ending interviews. It's like a myriad of people and things nudging me off my sanity string. I just want to lull myself into a state of catatonia, I'm becoming neurotic and anxious. And I don't do well with stress.

I'm telling you, if you're having insomnia, the best narcotic is work.

Words I Never Said

Have you ever had that particular day when nothing seems to be right? Well, mine just happen to be my favourite holiday ever - Christmas. I can't even find comfort in the crook of words, the warmth of writing, or even the satisfaction of piecing words to form a sentence. Its like I've lost it. A few setbacks have dampened my passion for words, a feral hunger to communicate a story. I want to throw my hands in abject surrender and utter the taboo words, "I give up." But this small portly imp inside me is determined to milk my dark moments. I can't say those words.

No one believes in my writing anymore. Not even myself. Then why I can't give it up? Maybe it's because I held on for so long. That even through the "I don't know if your english is just that bad or you didn't see that obvious grammatical mistake" and that one real writing job, and they never got back, I held on.

But it feels like a warzone in me. Messing up my education. My relationships. It seems to be an in thing for me, a season, or a lifetime, maybe. To be in front of a battle, nothing but the clothes on my back, chin up, bravely standing there refusing to dodge. Perhaps I knew it all along. Mayhaps I was asking for it. But I can't back down. Not with my pride on the line. Not when the people who shot the first few arrows were my friends or teachers.

It's stupid. You might say. It's useless, choobs, just give it up. Why fight when you know you are only gonna get hurt? You might ask.

Why do I bother when I have God on my side?

I might have lost all motivation to do well. But motivation can be revved up again. Till then, God be my vindication and my sword.

Delirious

Delirious. Usually associated to joy, laughter, excitement, positive factors in life. But my definition of delirious is in a trance, a dazed state from the chaos and pain outside the shell I call my life.

I'm in a state of delirium. I see things, see through them, I don't really see. Went through the whole day with such heavy thoughts, weighed me down like an iron. But I hide behind the laughter and the smiles. I feel much safer then. Much less vulnerable. Many times my eyes glazed over, I realized then, how good of an actress I've became. I keep thinking to myself. Inside my room, alone, I could break down and cry myself a good time.

That kept me going for awhile. Then I learnt to compartmentalize the pain, the questions. I would deal with it later when I'm alone. Not in front of these people I call friends. Some time in the whole episode, someone came up to me and confided. The one person I was not ready to lose, but I had to let go. She was crying. That was pushing my breaking point, I wanted to cry along with her. I wanted to, so badly.

But I had to suck it up. Always operate from a position of strength. I couldn't cry in front of her. I was her leader, her mentor. What does it make me? In that moment of weakness, I found strength. And I just  stared at her unseeing, nodding empathically.

Snippets of the compartmentalize pain got through the wall I built through the day. But I managed all the same. It's ironic, I wanted, no needed someone to talk to. But funnily enough, I had no one. Or believed it so. Maybe I wanted myself to believe I had no one. It's not because I don't have, but because I just wanted to be alone.

Came home, bracing myself for a floodgates of emotions to hit me like a brickwall and the waterworks to start. It didn't come. It never did. It diminished into something called apathy. I decided to put down all I felt in words. However, whatever I felt, no matter how manipulative I am with words, couldn't explain.

This is my best explanation. Of the words I couldn't say. Relationships. Friendships. Leadership. Bullshit. Cop out bullshit. No fairytale ending for all of them.

Too proud to admit that I need help. Been lashed to this freight train all my life, too stubborn to untie myself. Too stubborn.

Linear

Many things run through my mind. Morbid thoughts, thoughts banished to the furthest corners of the world, never hoping to see light again. Moved from the clubbing song phase to the Norah Jones phase. Need some jazzy feminine feel instead of pumping nigga music to quiet my mind.

I asked myself why I refuse to let go of the grief, and slowly straining the grief through when feeling downright miserable and helpless. I'm like a small amount butter being spread across the loaves of bread. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I just turn back to the darkness because there I find comfort. I'm running scared and I know it. Because there in the darkness I can still feel hurt, grief, loss and pain. It's not that I don't want to move on, it's that I'm timorous that I won't miss you again, that without some emotional distress, I can't feel you.

I sound like a nutcase. Trust me, if I read this through I would think myself as one. So I'm not gonna read it through. Norah Jones, here I come again.

The world will still be here tomorrow.

In life, be it cheering or jeering you, there'll always be people calling out your name. You either tune those voices to be the one that motivate or get crush by the might of the audience.

"What do they know?"

I hear myself repeating that question.

What do I know?

As much as I say I'll be there, the whole load of bullshit even sounded weak to my ears. When I see my friends, hell, close friends crying, my first knee jerk reflex is to walk away. Out of all the times I walked away, I never came back. It's not right, I know. As if squashing the ant wasn't enough, I had to squish it harder, decapitating the body further.

I never understood my coping mechanism. The sense of escapism when aware of danger. Isn't it a survival instinct? Except that the crisis wasn't one of danger, but of a hurting friend in need of comfort. I can't give that. I don't admonish myself because I tried. Till then, if I find a way to cope with my rather unconventional coping mechanism, I'll let you know.

Ambivalent

I don't know how or what should I feel. I think it is the state of ambivalence and sometimes words are just not enough to explain it all. Many people tell you to follow and chase your dream down with a hunting knife and a good pair of converse shoes. Chase them down, they said, it would be worth it, they said. I wonder, sometimes, all those big celebrities like Johnny Cash, or Marilyn Monroe, or Charlie Chaplain, I wonder what was it like to be giving their all for the dream, and to wait. What is it like for them to wait?

Mayhaps they sit at the post office, waiting day in and out for an acceptance letter. Funny how ink and paper can make your spirit soar or crush it within a matter of minutes. Oh the irony. Or perhaps they would hound the postman then, or if it was modern day in year 2012, it would be in a constant checking of the email.

I tell myself, no news is good news. But having no news is like feeding the wolves whom I have known to be fear. Each and everyday I start questioning my dream, my capabilities, my worth. It's not that I'm insecure, I'm just scared of underachieving, of letting them down, of letting myself down. It's a never ending competition. The survival of the fittest. The hunger damn-ing games. And God help me, I'm so tired of coming in second.

It's so loud in my head. Everything is looking up, but why do I feel so down?

I messed it up. My spiritual life, my friendships, my relationships. I don't bother anymore. It's not giving up. It's I just, I don't know.

Words I Never Said

Always in a rushNever stay on the phone long enoughWhy am I so self-important?Said I'd see you soonBut that was, oh, maybe a year agoDidn't know time was of the essence
So many questionsBut I'm talking to myselfI know that you can't hear me any moreNot anymoreSo much to tell youAnd most of all goodbyeBut I know that you can't hear me any more
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words I never saidI never saidI can't take back the words I never said
Always talking shitTook your advice and did the oppositeJust being young and stupidI haven't been all that you could've hoped forBut if you'd held on a little longerYou'd have had more reasons to be proud
So many questionsBut I'm talking to myselfI know that you can't hear me any moreNot anymoreSo much to tell youAnd most of all goodbyeBut I know that you can't hear me any more
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words
The longer I stand hereThe louder the silenceI know that you're gone but sometimes I swear I hearYour voice when the wind blowsSo I talk to the shadowsHoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words I never saidI never saidI can't take back the words I never saidNever saidI can't take back the words I never said

A Day In My Life

Realized the lack of photos in my Godforsaken blog. The advertisement says "3 reasons to get out of bed." You bet we are the reason. Look at what we're holding.

For too long I've been struggling with things. And just today I received a message that took a low blow to my pride. It cut a radiating throb dread from my throat to my belly. It was then I felt like giving up. It was as if all these while my presence was insignificant. 

I do not have the perfect life. Hell, my social life takes a sky diving plunge from the statue of liberty when my work starts. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my life as it is. No matter how ugly the struggles are, all the pain stains of my past. Or the flaws I battle inwardly, or the scars I hide constantly. I wouldn't have it any other way.

We would sing in the middle of Orchard street, loudly and proudly mind you. We'll go to different hotels and use their toilets, kind of like "The Bourne Identity," but without the changing of clothes and the mass destruction. We'll play the hotel piano and get recognised by the event coordination, giving us a thumbs up. Or walking barefooted down Chinatown. Or fighting each other, screaming "Bitch" in a crowded place. Why aren't my friends and I stomped yet? Haha.

I don't want to grow up. It's too fast. 2012 is coming to an end. I feel empty. I just want to leave, but I don't have the guts to. I want to speak my mind, but they would consider it as insubordination or sensitive. I'm tired of listening to you. What makes you think you know what's the best for me? I'm tired.

I feel these four walls closin' in 
My face up against the glass 
Im looking out, hmm 
Is this my life I'm wonderin' 
It happened so fast 
How do I turn this thing around 
Is this the bed I chose to make 
Its greener pastures i'm thinkin' about, hmm 
Wide open spaces far away 

All I want is the wind in my hair 
To face the fear but not feel scared 

Wild horses I wanna be like you 
Throwing caution to the wind 
I'll run free too 
Wish I could recklessly love 
Like I'm longing too 
I wanna run with the wild horses 
Run with the wild horses, oh 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/natasha+bedingfield/wild+horses_10189973.html ] 
I see the girl I wanna be 
Riding bareback, carefree along the shore 
If only that someone was me 
Jumpin' head first headlong with out a fall 
To act and damn the consequence 
How I wish it could be that easy 
But fear surrounds me like a fence 
I wanna break free 

All I want is the wind in my hair 
To face the fear but not feel scared 

Recklessly abandoning myself before you 
I wanna open up my heart, tell him how I feel 
Run with the wild horses 
I wanna run with the wild horses

Eventually I knew this is how it would wind down. With me taking the fastest route out, as fast as my legs can carry me. My mind would be a jumble of disjointed thoughts, questions that would probably never hear a reply. And little would I realize, the sole thing I run from, is the only thing I'm running to.

So this is what it would boil down to. A variation of truths. What would you have me believe? Accept everything at face value? Or check what tug at my heartstrings? Think about the last time your heart ached? What did you see, what did you hear? What I'm trying to say is, there is a smorgasbord of truth. It's just hard to stomach any of them. Well, on the other hand theres this lie you so badly want to believe. With all your heart, you will it into existence. As if repeating it in your head will seemingly make you less delusional. As if telling it to someone, make you more credible. Some people stay in the darkness, because there, is what they choose to see. Truth is what you believe it to be. And finally, the dichotomy is blurred, and your mind heeds what you believe, to save what strands of sanity you have left.

And it comes down to this. You live your life in a lie. Believing that it happened. That it will happen. You can't distinguish between what is the truth, and what is a lie.

Me

I could have gone into the whole notion and justification of why I chose this picture, and it could have many variables and a smorgasbord of moods for me to choose from, angry, sad, happy, annoying, crazy. But I guess, I just want to be honest and come as I am.

In this world with many farce, changing fads, people making a fashion statement, men - women coming out of the closet, children brought up alongside with alcohol and cigarettes, can you truly say that you are you?

Just because I don't voice my insecurities doesn't mean it's not there. I fight, struggle, wrestle with fears every single day. And how do I know if I've won? Yes, I might feel beaten down, words lost on me, Armageddon and all, I never fought a losing battle. I guess I knew it all along. And my fears sometimes cloud my vision and I turn to the familiar tug of depression. But in the end, I'll come out victorious.

I had a mental breakdown a few days back. I pretty much lost it. At that point in time, there weren't a shocked gasp. Or time stopped as the world stopped spinning on its axis. Nothing pause. There wasn't any scream or something to indicate that something tragic happened. Life just went painfully on. And I realized then, the shift in my perspective, the horrible revelation of truth, the insurmountable of fear, affected no one, but me.

Who will be there when you have nothing to give but everything to lose?

Have you ever seen someone who have nothing to lose? It's scary. They have this craze look in their eyes. I know a desperate person when I see one, but theirs, is a whole new entire level. Nothing to lose. What does that mean to you?

Lost

All out on my own again. That feeling when you need to have it all together, because once you break, all hell is going to break loose. I refuse to shed a tear. I refuse to bow down to the storm. I'll take the bull by it's horns and it'll relent. I can't have it any other way. The people that say "Winning isn't everything" obviously haven't been in a hospital or say pass the scalpel or watch someone die.

Have you ever been so lost? Known the way, and still so lost? They say I should come back home. Play safe. Just listen to their patronizing. Just listen. Because what I need right now is sugar coated words after breaking what seemed to be my only ray of light. Because what I need now is "I'm sorry."

You don't understand. You don't get to say you're sorry.

I've lost everything that I've held close to my heart. I lost my dream. The one dream that I held on for ages. You don't understand. You don't get to say you're sorry. Because you're not. I lost my dignity. They say you don't die with dignity, you live with it. I lost sight of the vision. And it says that without vision, the people perish.

You don't get to complain. What is a group without unity? What is a group without efficiency and tolerance? We are only as strong as our weakest link. We don't even have a link. Might as well sign the death warrant. The mark of death on our forehead.

The thing this time, is that I didn't mess up. So why do I have to pay the price of other people's mistakes?

I miss you, you would have known what to do.

Rain Makes Corn. Corn Makes Whiskey. Whiskey Makes My Baby Feels A Little Frisky.

One day....

I'll drive a convertable, hood down, with a select few people, blasting country music and clubbing songs and speeding across the landscapes of Holland.

I'll spend the night at a beach with a cold beer and blankets.

I'll backpack across Europe, (selling my kidney to afford that). Starting from Czech Republic, Italy, Belgium, France, Germany, Ireland, ending at Greece.

I'll sky dive from the skies of Melbourne and parachute down like a trooper.

I'll be a free lance journalist, travelling the world and getting paid for my stories.

I'll be so much bigger so that you can't hit me.

I'll get back on my two feet again. Just watch me.

Settling Down?

I don't know who reads this blog anymore. It could be just me, going to my blog and looking at my DNA and fingerprints all over the posts.

Everyone around me are couples, getting attached, married even. To tell you the truth? I don't feel pressured at all. I mean, getting into a relationship is easy, labeling a guy as your boyfriend is easy, but settling down? Hmm not so. Maybe I like where I am now. I like that I have a freedom to do whatever I want because I'm single. No limitations.

I don't try hard enough maybe. But I have so many things on my plate, and a boyfriend would just go tipping my duck confit with mash potato on it over. I can't have that now, can I?

The notion of settling down scares me to the end of earth and back. You asked me, and I said no. I wasn't ready then, sure as hell not ready now, or in the near future. Never bring up the M word. It's just a cardinal rule for me and my friends. Marriage isn't for me now.

Maybe I'll find true love. Who knows? Maybe it'll come in a form of a gorgeous ang moh with a british accent. Still hoping, haha. Maybe it'll come in a form of a dream. Or in a form of a career. I'll never know. Many people find this absurd, but I still go with the notion of "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

My good friend tell me its stupid, but I can't help but believe that what is meant to be, will work out eventually. So yeah. Goodbye for now. If I ever fall head over heels in love, please set me free.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye, When It Comes To This

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away


I've moved on. I mean, we all had. You know, but there's those secret couple of times we look back and we tear up and the memories and the could have been. I guess I just think of you when I feel so stuck, and so tired and beaten down. I think that how could you have gone before me, I needed you to be here. You were always the constant factor. I would always come home to you yakking away, talking and walking around. I thought you would always be there. Always be here. 


But then you were hacking away at the hospital, and I watch as the life drained from you and as the coughing ceased. I watch as you reach the other side, this time, without me. I feel so left behind you know. I  hated watching, but I just can't tear my eyes away because I knew that would be the last moment I had left with you. 


I miss you so much. I thought you were so strong you would have made it through whatever, its so hard to acknowledge that you are now gone forever. 


Rest in peace, grandma. I love you, always. 

Dead End

Its funny how I always turn to electronic device for comfort, it seem like I am devoid of any human interaction. Everyone just feels so far away you know? Or maybe I'm the one that is far away, the one that strayed because I can't stand by and do nothing. 

They say I'm on a roll, but every roll gotta have a stop. Mayhaps I hit the wall pretty hard to finally come to a stop. Cause when you're this low, everywhere you try to go feels like a dead end. 

I'm not trying to be emotional, in fact, I'm pretty much lacking in emotions right now. All I feel, and all I ever did feel for this week is tiredness. I can't even work myself up to throw a fit. Mentally and physically drained. I'm getting so annoyed and wanting to be by myself all the time. 

I miss so many people right now its hard to figure out if the feeling is "missing." I'm just worn out. I wish the flurry of attacks on every aspect of my life would stop. 

Just stop.

(:

(CAUSE I'M A SMOOTH CRIMINAL SMOOTH CRIMINAL)

Had a few good heart to heart talks. And I'm really grateful for the people that God has placed into my life. Its amazing how far I had come, I mean despite the melo-dramatic moments, the fighting, the shouting and the lies, I've become a far stronger person than I used to be.

So kudos to everyone that had came into my life, whether for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Maybe one day I'll understand why some had to go, but till that day comes, I'm thankful that I've got to know each and everyone of you, despite the differences.

Theres a lot of things I don't know, a lot of areas I am uncertain and I'm dabbling into areas unsuspectingly, trusting God will provide and protect. And for those who are not in this with me, supporting me, I hope you won't bring me down and stay out of my way.

So heres to the future and the many amazing encounters to come. (:

A Little Bit Stronger

Stupid song made me think of you, I listened to it for a minute but then I changed it. I'm getting a little bit stronger. Just a little bit stronger.