Sad Excuse of A Best Friend

Kenji and Sheryl! <3

Yes. I gave up on the friendship and walked out when you needed me the most. Yes, I took my leave and I'm different, so different. Different of what you've expected of a best friend. So much different. But you do not strike someone not expecting them to recoil. You do not yank someone and expect them not to budge. Expectations darling, is full of disappointments.

And I agree, I was a sad excuse of a best friend. And I'm sorry. Are you? I am still the selfish, self-absorbed, calloused, heartless bitch that coax and persuade people to do whatever I want. Because I want what I want when I want it. Do you know what you want? Do you even want the friendship to begin with? What I understand is that people fight for the things that actually mean something to them. Because at the end of the day, they know that it's worth it, even if it means losing that particular thing, they can leave with the knowledge that they've put up a fight. I fought, hell I did, but I realized I was fighting alone. So yes, I tore the white flag and stalked out of the battlefield.

Blame me for being a bad friend, blame me for the untimely exit, hell, blame me even for your bad taste in men. But do not blame me for the deceit, lies and manipulation. Call me heartless, call me cold and unfeeling to have denied you. Don't put this on me. Stop with all the manipulation to get to me. Stop with all the lies that you've told to your friends. Stop it with your emotionally aimed and charged blog post. After all the cop out bullshit, I just hope you're better than that.

Landmines

You don't describe pain. Because it causes you to lose your emotional footing and stumble back into the memories you've locked away. You don't describe it, because it's just too hard. But if I could, I would describe it as a black abyss, so dark, the tugging hands of depression clawing at your side, refusing to let you go. And you just struggle, fighting it off, walking on, walking on, and if you're lucky enough, the claw marks subside into a killer headache, throbbing. 

But if you succumb to the fears and the charitable deception of depression, you fall harder, faster, deeper. It sucks you in so fast your head spins. The next thing you know, a live band sounds like a dull drone that hurts your head. The sunlight that streams in your room becomes blinding and hurts your eyes. The chirping of birds becomes screeching monsters. The mere thought of getting out of bed fills you with dread. The action of replying messages leaves your fingers heavy. The idea of bathing fills your legs with sand.

Then again, I'm being melodramatic. 

I'm just grateful. I realize and appreciate the friends that have stuck by my throughout. And though it seemed as if their presence made no difference, it did, significantly. It made my depressing thoughts, not so depressing. After all the glitz and glamour, the ones that've stayed by my side right till the end, are the ones that matters. And trust me, I know who matters now. 

Hurdle

I've became the very person they've warned me about. I've became the very person I said I wouldn't be. Why do I have to get past a hurdle only to face yet another hurdle head on. It doesn't seem fair then. It sure as hell doesn't seem fair now. 

You know, Russ told me that they do the haka (war) dance before they started the game. It was meant to scare the opposing team. Well, somewhat I feel like I'm doing that, except that I'm doing it alone and the opposing team isn't exactly intimidated. 

As cliche and as vulnerable I sound now, I don't want to talk to anyone because if they looked at me with disdain, I don't know if I can recover from it. I'm as weak as I am strong. I don't know if I can withstand the judgement from the people I call friends or family. I'm scared of what they'll say back. Then again, my fears might be unfounded, they can be accepting and encouraging as ever. I don't want to take the chances. 

You know. I can preferably gauge all my good friends replies to my distress. The pause to think of something practical. The God answer. The Well, sometimes... I know. I know. 

There's one person that I could always confide to, besides God. That one person that seen me bawl about my life. That one person who was the only one that gave me a hug when I was looking away and crying. That one person whom I think I've lost. That one person whom I refuse to call. That one person whom I will not go to, not now, not ever because my pride won't let me. 

I've became the very person they've warned me about. They didn't tell me what happen after that. 

Soul Wound

Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love, like you've loved me.

And. I'm giving up. It's not because I don't want to fight for our friendship, for a relationship. It's not because I'm heartless, cold and unfeeling. I'm giving up because it would be better for both of us. Why hold on to something that isn't there? It'll just only cause heartache. And I can't deal with anymore right now.

Giving up only to give in. Give in to the destiny and that someone that'll be a better me. A friend better than me. A lover that commits.

No more soul wounds. No more exploiting it. I'm through with everything that I've clenched for so long, refusing to let go.

I Will Survive

OH NO NOT I. I WILL SURVIVE. OH AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE, I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE.

You've gotta admit. You need this song.

Toast to the bloody murder of a future. Drink ourselves to oblivion and kill the engine.

Better In Time

What is it about small cute boys that make me smile?

On a side note, I might have sprained both my hands a bit. Typing and clenching it into a fist hurts a helluva lot. I might have gotten a little too over-zealous yesterday. They always make a hoo ha over the person that gets sucker punched, but the suffering of the aggressor gets a tad too undermined. I'm kidding. I just want to look badass, am I achieving it?

The load of work has been piling up and I've been effectively ignoring it and actively seeking the comfort my bed and pillows provide. The lack of motivation to get up and face the world is scaring me. Maybe it's because I'm under-achieving in so many areas, and yet I have everything. Oh I don't know, the irony is brimming to the point of ridiculous.

Anyways, just want to say that I've just turned legal. HMMMMMM.