Linear

Many things run through my mind. Morbid thoughts, thoughts banished to the furthest corners of the world, never hoping to see light again. Moved from the clubbing song phase to the Norah Jones phase. Need some jazzy feminine feel instead of pumping nigga music to quiet my mind.

I asked myself why I refuse to let go of the grief, and slowly straining the grief through when feeling downright miserable and helpless. I'm like a small amount butter being spread across the loaves of bread. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I just turn back to the darkness because there I find comfort. I'm running scared and I know it. Because there in the darkness I can still feel hurt, grief, loss and pain. It's not that I don't want to move on, it's that I'm timorous that I won't miss you again, that without some emotional distress, I can't feel you.

I sound like a nutcase. Trust me, if I read this through I would think myself as one. So I'm not gonna read it through. Norah Jones, here I come again.

The world will still be here tomorrow.

In life, be it cheering or jeering you, there'll always be people calling out your name. You either tune those voices to be the one that motivate or get crush by the might of the audience.

"What do they know?"

I hear myself repeating that question.

What do I know?

As much as I say I'll be there, the whole load of bullshit even sounded weak to my ears. When I see my friends, hell, close friends crying, my first knee jerk reflex is to walk away. Out of all the times I walked away, I never came back. It's not right, I know. As if squashing the ant wasn't enough, I had to squish it harder, decapitating the body further.

I never understood my coping mechanism. The sense of escapism when aware of danger. Isn't it a survival instinct? Except that the crisis wasn't one of danger, but of a hurting friend in need of comfort. I can't give that. I don't admonish myself because I tried. Till then, if I find a way to cope with my rather unconventional coping mechanism, I'll let you know.

Ambivalent

I don't know how or what should I feel. I think it is the state of ambivalence and sometimes words are just not enough to explain it all. Many people tell you to follow and chase your dream down with a hunting knife and a good pair of converse shoes. Chase them down, they said, it would be worth it, they said. I wonder, sometimes, all those big celebrities like Johnny Cash, or Marilyn Monroe, or Charlie Chaplain, I wonder what was it like to be giving their all for the dream, and to wait. What is it like for them to wait?

Mayhaps they sit at the post office, waiting day in and out for an acceptance letter. Funny how ink and paper can make your spirit soar or crush it within a matter of minutes. Oh the irony. Or perhaps they would hound the postman then, or if it was modern day in year 2012, it would be in a constant checking of the email.

I tell myself, no news is good news. But having no news is like feeding the wolves whom I have known to be fear. Each and everyday I start questioning my dream, my capabilities, my worth. It's not that I'm insecure, I'm just scared of underachieving, of letting them down, of letting myself down. It's a never ending competition. The survival of the fittest. The hunger damn-ing games. And God help me, I'm so tired of coming in second.

It's so loud in my head. Everything is looking up, but why do I feel so down?

I messed it up. My spiritual life, my friendships, my relationships. I don't bother anymore. It's not giving up. It's I just, I don't know.

Words I Never Said

Always in a rushNever stay on the phone long enoughWhy am I so self-important?Said I'd see you soonBut that was, oh, maybe a year agoDidn't know time was of the essence
So many questionsBut I'm talking to myselfI know that you can't hear me any moreNot anymoreSo much to tell youAnd most of all goodbyeBut I know that you can't hear me any more
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words I never saidI never saidI can't take back the words I never said
Always talking shitTook your advice and did the oppositeJust being young and stupidI haven't been all that you could've hoped forBut if you'd held on a little longerYou'd have had more reasons to be proud
So many questionsBut I'm talking to myselfI know that you can't hear me any moreNot anymoreSo much to tell youAnd most of all goodbyeBut I know that you can't hear me any more
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words
The longer I stand hereThe louder the silenceI know that you're gone but sometimes I swear I hearYour voice when the wind blowsSo I talk to the shadowsHoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know
It's so loud inside my headWith words that I should have saidAnd as I drown in my regretsI can't take back the words I never saidI never saidI can't take back the words I never saidNever saidI can't take back the words I never said

A Day In My Life

Realized the lack of photos in my Godforsaken blog. The advertisement says "3 reasons to get out of bed." You bet we are the reason. Look at what we're holding.

For too long I've been struggling with things. And just today I received a message that took a low blow to my pride. It cut a radiating throb dread from my throat to my belly. It was then I felt like giving up. It was as if all these while my presence was insignificant. 

I do not have the perfect life. Hell, my social life takes a sky diving plunge from the statue of liberty when my work starts. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my life as it is. No matter how ugly the struggles are, all the pain stains of my past. Or the flaws I battle inwardly, or the scars I hide constantly. I wouldn't have it any other way.

We would sing in the middle of Orchard street, loudly and proudly mind you. We'll go to different hotels and use their toilets, kind of like "The Bourne Identity," but without the changing of clothes and the mass destruction. We'll play the hotel piano and get recognised by the event coordination, giving us a thumbs up. Or walking barefooted down Chinatown. Or fighting each other, screaming "Bitch" in a crowded place. Why aren't my friends and I stomped yet? Haha.

I don't want to grow up. It's too fast. 2012 is coming to an end. I feel empty. I just want to leave, but I don't have the guts to. I want to speak my mind, but they would consider it as insubordination or sensitive. I'm tired of listening to you. What makes you think you know what's the best for me? I'm tired.

I feel these four walls closin' in 
My face up against the glass 
Im looking out, hmm 
Is this my life I'm wonderin' 
It happened so fast 
How do I turn this thing around 
Is this the bed I chose to make 
Its greener pastures i'm thinkin' about, hmm 
Wide open spaces far away 

All I want is the wind in my hair 
To face the fear but not feel scared 

Wild horses I wanna be like you 
Throwing caution to the wind 
I'll run free too 
Wish I could recklessly love 
Like I'm longing too 
I wanna run with the wild horses 
Run with the wild horses, oh 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/natasha+bedingfield/wild+horses_10189973.html ] 
I see the girl I wanna be 
Riding bareback, carefree along the shore 
If only that someone was me 
Jumpin' head first headlong with out a fall 
To act and damn the consequence 
How I wish it could be that easy 
But fear surrounds me like a fence 
I wanna break free 

All I want is the wind in my hair 
To face the fear but not feel scared 

Recklessly abandoning myself before you 
I wanna open up my heart, tell him how I feel 
Run with the wild horses 
I wanna run with the wild horses

Eventually I knew this is how it would wind down. With me taking the fastest route out, as fast as my legs can carry me. My mind would be a jumble of disjointed thoughts, questions that would probably never hear a reply. And little would I realize, the sole thing I run from, is the only thing I'm running to.

So this is what it would boil down to. A variation of truths. What would you have me believe? Accept everything at face value? Or check what tug at my heartstrings? Think about the last time your heart ached? What did you see, what did you hear? What I'm trying to say is, there is a smorgasbord of truth. It's just hard to stomach any of them. Well, on the other hand theres this lie you so badly want to believe. With all your heart, you will it into existence. As if repeating it in your head will seemingly make you less delusional. As if telling it to someone, make you more credible. Some people stay in the darkness, because there, is what they choose to see. Truth is what you believe it to be. And finally, the dichotomy is blurred, and your mind heeds what you believe, to save what strands of sanity you have left.

And it comes down to this. You live your life in a lie. Believing that it happened. That it will happen. You can't distinguish between what is the truth, and what is a lie.

Me

I could have gone into the whole notion and justification of why I chose this picture, and it could have many variables and a smorgasbord of moods for me to choose from, angry, sad, happy, annoying, crazy. But I guess, I just want to be honest and come as I am.

In this world with many farce, changing fads, people making a fashion statement, men - women coming out of the closet, children brought up alongside with alcohol and cigarettes, can you truly say that you are you?

Just because I don't voice my insecurities doesn't mean it's not there. I fight, struggle, wrestle with fears every single day. And how do I know if I've won? Yes, I might feel beaten down, words lost on me, Armageddon and all, I never fought a losing battle. I guess I knew it all along. And my fears sometimes cloud my vision and I turn to the familiar tug of depression. But in the end, I'll come out victorious.

I had a mental breakdown a few days back. I pretty much lost it. At that point in time, there weren't a shocked gasp. Or time stopped as the world stopped spinning on its axis. Nothing pause. There wasn't any scream or something to indicate that something tragic happened. Life just went painfully on. And I realized then, the shift in my perspective, the horrible revelation of truth, the insurmountable of fear, affected no one, but me.

Who will be there when you have nothing to give but everything to lose?

Have you ever seen someone who have nothing to lose? It's scary. They have this craze look in their eyes. I know a desperate person when I see one, but theirs, is a whole new entire level. Nothing to lose. What does that mean to you?