The One

We're only going round and round,Circling an empty place,I wonder if you feel the same,Baby I just have to know,
If I am not the one, why we holding on?What's the point in all this time,Just to find, there's nothing here between us,If it's not for life,It's be cruel to be kind,Cos I've already been with you for way too long,If I am not the one.
Promises are hard to keep,The emptiness is hard to bear,When you know that if you reachA little deeper, nothing's there,Nothing's gonna to make it right,We're only gonna make it hurt,We're only gonna make it worse,
All we have is what we had,And that's just not enough,

Baby life ain't going, just let this be doneIf I am not the one

Entry 46

They ask me how do I deal with my grief. I told them, I don't. It's not like you wake up one day and everything is fine and dandy. It doesn't work that way. Whatever 5 step grief process I believe it to be cop out crap. A lie told to hurting people to plaster their wounds and hide it from the world, but not actually removing it. Might as well stick a hugeass bandaid saying "I'm hurting, beware." Denial, then anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. Ever heard of one step forward, two steps back. Bargaining to depression, and then back to anger. Vicious cycle. Vicious lies. You just wake up, too afraid to go out, fearful that the world will move on as if it doesn't sense your loss, insensitive to your pain and suffering. Too afraid to go out and face the people that keep saying "I'm sorry" when none of that is their fault. Angry too, that you're expected to move on as if nothing had happened. Oh, you're supposed to grief for as long as the flower withers, but when the flower blooms you need to be all smiles and candies. Because to dwell on the (very recent) past is a sign of weakness. To mourn publicly is annoyance to people who don't understand. So you don't. So I don't. I wake up, feeling every emotion hit me like an array of bullets, slowly and unfortunately painfully. And then I stand up, my legs filled with sand and the idea of going out with the sun shinning on my face overwhelms me with dread. But I do that anyway. I keep on doing it. I go on and on and on. I tell myself that I'm okay, so much so I start to believe it. On and on I go. Keep at it and I believe that it would take me somewhere. I don't talk about it. Because I'm okay. Because bawling in public for my loss isn't what I want. Because cursing and yelling "Fuck the world" isn't exactly going to bring back the dead. I'm tired of people what to do. In the end, I deal with my loss, my way. (Saw this in my journal. As much as it's emotionally charged, I love it.)

Grief

I'm sorry, but I'll deal with my loss, my way.

Endless Love

You will always be, my endless love.

Trip Down Memory Lane

This picture was taken in my brother's room, during a thunderstorm. The innocence back then.

I miss my secondary school days. Breaking the school rules with the boys and sneaking into the new hall #likeaboss. Coming into school late during recess. Almost getting suspended from being a councillor. Touching the "Do not touch" trophies. Making inside jokes like, "Oh I'm just jk-ing" or "Stop jk-ing around uh." Or walking around school when there's no teacher in class to get food in the canteen on the pretext to find the teacher. Rapping songs out loud. Having my math best friend with me during math class. Those were one of the best memories that my friends and I made together.

And I guess, we're granted to miss those times, but it's virtually impossible to get back there anymore. Everyone seemed to move on with their lives. I believe that in certain times of our lives, I've met these wonderful people for a period of time to mature me, to increase my awareness of the world, to make me laugh and sometimes, cry. Though they are kind of a passing phase, and maybe in the future we'll only be able to meet once or twice (refer to our failed plannings) their impact and influence are a lifetime.

So here's to the people in my life that were with me for a few years but it seemed like forever, to the people that made my life considerable tolerable, to the people that spiced up my life and moulded my character unintentionally, though these figures in my life aren't constant, the memories made are permanent.

I'm a cheese ball aren't I? (:

Walk On, Walk On

Bez Fwen 4eva. <3

Do you guys believe in hood love? Maybe. Have a lot of things going on now. Rethinking many things; my actions, my words. Sometimes I'm awed that I'm not crushed underneath all these crappy things going on around me. The only thing that keeps me going is God. I guess without Him, I'll just kill myself. I'm not even kidding. And I draw strength from my friends and family of course. Though they don't know what's going on, their nonsensical comments and retarded face shuns the hideous what ifs and the call that might inevitably come.

Hood love. When you're not here, then I miss you. Funny thing is, I just want to talk to you, tell you what has happened, but you're so faraway. Too faraway. So the saying is true, mayhaps, so near yet so far.

You know its not good news when your phone rings in the middle of the night.

Pass Out

This picture was taken when we were on the ferry from Rottnest Island back to Perth. Haha like you need to know. But it was freezing cold, and though you can't see it, the wind was whipping our faces. Just really busy nowadays. In the editorial team for the newspaper, got a free lancing job for national library, many well-known authors will be coming down. Hope Lisa Unger or Stephen White would be one of them. Working for Saveur, a french restaurant. Don't really need the money, but I'm just glad to help out.

Yeah yeah, we bring the stars out
We bring the women and the cars and the cards out
Let's have a toast, a celebration, get the glass out
And we can do this until we pass out