A Day In My Life

Realized the lack of photos in my Godforsaken blog. The advertisement says "3 reasons to get out of bed." You bet we are the reason. Look at what we're holding.

For too long I've been struggling with things. And just today I received a message that took a low blow to my pride. It cut a radiating throb dread from my throat to my belly. It was then I felt like giving up. It was as if all these while my presence was insignificant. 

I do not have the perfect life. Hell, my social life takes a sky diving plunge from the statue of liberty when my work starts. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my life as it is. No matter how ugly the struggles are, all the pain stains of my past. Or the flaws I battle inwardly, or the scars I hide constantly. I wouldn't have it any other way.

We would sing in the middle of Orchard street, loudly and proudly mind you. We'll go to different hotels and use their toilets, kind of like "The Bourne Identity," but without the changing of clothes and the mass destruction. We'll play the hotel piano and get recognised by the event coordination, giving us a thumbs up. Or walking barefooted down Chinatown. Or fighting each other, screaming "Bitch" in a crowded place. Why aren't my friends and I stomped yet? Haha.

I don't want to grow up. It's too fast. 2012 is coming to an end. I feel empty. I just want to leave, but I don't have the guts to. I want to speak my mind, but they would consider it as insubordination or sensitive. I'm tired of listening to you. What makes you think you know what's the best for me? I'm tired.

I feel these four walls closin' in 
My face up against the glass 
Im looking out, hmm 
Is this my life I'm wonderin' 
It happened so fast 
How do I turn this thing around 
Is this the bed I chose to make 
Its greener pastures i'm thinkin' about, hmm 
Wide open spaces far away 

All I want is the wind in my hair 
To face the fear but not feel scared 

Wild horses I wanna be like you 
Throwing caution to the wind 
I'll run free too 
Wish I could recklessly love 
Like I'm longing too 
I wanna run with the wild horses 
Run with the wild horses, oh 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/natasha+bedingfield/wild+horses_10189973.html ] 
I see the girl I wanna be 
Riding bareback, carefree along the shore 
If only that someone was me 
Jumpin' head first headlong with out a fall 
To act and damn the consequence 
How I wish it could be that easy 
But fear surrounds me like a fence 
I wanna break free 

All I want is the wind in my hair 
To face the fear but not feel scared 

Recklessly abandoning myself before you 
I wanna open up my heart, tell him how I feel 
Run with the wild horses 
I wanna run with the wild horses

Eventually I knew this is how it would wind down. With me taking the fastest route out, as fast as my legs can carry me. My mind would be a jumble of disjointed thoughts, questions that would probably never hear a reply. And little would I realize, the sole thing I run from, is the only thing I'm running to.

So this is what it would boil down to. A variation of truths. What would you have me believe? Accept everything at face value? Or check what tug at my heartstrings? Think about the last time your heart ached? What did you see, what did you hear? What I'm trying to say is, there is a smorgasbord of truth. It's just hard to stomach any of them. Well, on the other hand theres this lie you so badly want to believe. With all your heart, you will it into existence. As if repeating it in your head will seemingly make you less delusional. As if telling it to someone, make you more credible. Some people stay in the darkness, because there, is what they choose to see. Truth is what you believe it to be. And finally, the dichotomy is blurred, and your mind heeds what you believe, to save what strands of sanity you have left.

And it comes down to this. You live your life in a lie. Believing that it happened. That it will happen. You can't distinguish between what is the truth, and what is a lie.

Me

I could have gone into the whole notion and justification of why I chose this picture, and it could have many variables and a smorgasbord of moods for me to choose from, angry, sad, happy, annoying, crazy. But I guess, I just want to be honest and come as I am.

In this world with many farce, changing fads, people making a fashion statement, men - women coming out of the closet, children brought up alongside with alcohol and cigarettes, can you truly say that you are you?

Just because I don't voice my insecurities doesn't mean it's not there. I fight, struggle, wrestle with fears every single day. And how do I know if I've won? Yes, I might feel beaten down, words lost on me, Armageddon and all, I never fought a losing battle. I guess I knew it all along. And my fears sometimes cloud my vision and I turn to the familiar tug of depression. But in the end, I'll come out victorious.

I had a mental breakdown a few days back. I pretty much lost it. At that point in time, there weren't a shocked gasp. Or time stopped as the world stopped spinning on its axis. Nothing pause. There wasn't any scream or something to indicate that something tragic happened. Life just went painfully on. And I realized then, the shift in my perspective, the horrible revelation of truth, the insurmountable of fear, affected no one, but me.

Who will be there when you have nothing to give but everything to lose?

Have you ever seen someone who have nothing to lose? It's scary. They have this craze look in their eyes. I know a desperate person when I see one, but theirs, is a whole new entire level. Nothing to lose. What does that mean to you?

Lost

All out on my own again. That feeling when you need to have it all together, because once you break, all hell is going to break loose. I refuse to shed a tear. I refuse to bow down to the storm. I'll take the bull by it's horns and it'll relent. I can't have it any other way. The people that say "Winning isn't everything" obviously haven't been in a hospital or say pass the scalpel or watch someone die.

Have you ever been so lost? Known the way, and still so lost? They say I should come back home. Play safe. Just listen to their patronizing. Just listen. Because what I need right now is sugar coated words after breaking what seemed to be my only ray of light. Because what I need now is "I'm sorry."

You don't understand. You don't get to say you're sorry.

I've lost everything that I've held close to my heart. I lost my dream. The one dream that I held on for ages. You don't understand. You don't get to say you're sorry. Because you're not. I lost my dignity. They say you don't die with dignity, you live with it. I lost sight of the vision. And it says that without vision, the people perish.

You don't get to complain. What is a group without unity? What is a group without efficiency and tolerance? We are only as strong as our weakest link. We don't even have a link. Might as well sign the death warrant. The mark of death on our forehead.

The thing this time, is that I didn't mess up. So why do I have to pay the price of other people's mistakes?

I miss you, you would have known what to do.

Rain Makes Corn. Corn Makes Whiskey. Whiskey Makes My Baby Feels A Little Frisky.

One day....

I'll drive a convertable, hood down, with a select few people, blasting country music and clubbing songs and speeding across the landscapes of Holland.

I'll spend the night at a beach with a cold beer and blankets.

I'll backpack across Europe, (selling my kidney to afford that). Starting from Czech Republic, Italy, Belgium, France, Germany, Ireland, ending at Greece.

I'll sky dive from the skies of Melbourne and parachute down like a trooper.

I'll be a free lance journalist, travelling the world and getting paid for my stories.

I'll be so much bigger so that you can't hit me.

I'll get back on my two feet again. Just watch me.

Settling Down?

I don't know who reads this blog anymore. It could be just me, going to my blog and looking at my DNA and fingerprints all over the posts.

Everyone around me are couples, getting attached, married even. To tell you the truth? I don't feel pressured at all. I mean, getting into a relationship is easy, labeling a guy as your boyfriend is easy, but settling down? Hmm not so. Maybe I like where I am now. I like that I have a freedom to do whatever I want because I'm single. No limitations.

I don't try hard enough maybe. But I have so many things on my plate, and a boyfriend would just go tipping my duck confit with mash potato on it over. I can't have that now, can I?

The notion of settling down scares me to the end of earth and back. You asked me, and I said no. I wasn't ready then, sure as hell not ready now, or in the near future. Never bring up the M word. It's just a cardinal rule for me and my friends. Marriage isn't for me now.

Maybe I'll find true love. Who knows? Maybe it'll come in a form of a gorgeous ang moh with a british accent. Still hoping, haha. Maybe it'll come in a form of a dream. Or in a form of a career. I'll never know. Many people find this absurd, but I still go with the notion of "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

My good friend tell me its stupid, but I can't help but believe that what is meant to be, will work out eventually. So yeah. Goodbye for now. If I ever fall head over heels in love, please set me free.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye, When It Comes To This

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away


I've moved on. I mean, we all had. You know, but there's those secret couple of times we look back and we tear up and the memories and the could have been. I guess I just think of you when I feel so stuck, and so tired and beaten down. I think that how could you have gone before me, I needed you to be here. You were always the constant factor. I would always come home to you yakking away, talking and walking around. I thought you would always be there. Always be here. 


But then you were hacking away at the hospital, and I watch as the life drained from you and as the coughing ceased. I watch as you reach the other side, this time, without me. I feel so left behind you know. I  hated watching, but I just can't tear my eyes away because I knew that would be the last moment I had left with you. 


I miss you so much. I thought you were so strong you would have made it through whatever, its so hard to acknowledge that you are now gone forever. 


Rest in peace, grandma. I love you, always.