Soul Wound

Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love, like you've loved me.

And. I'm giving up. It's not because I don't want to fight for our friendship, for a relationship. It's not because I'm heartless, cold and unfeeling. I'm giving up because it would be better for both of us. Why hold on to something that isn't there? It'll just only cause heartache. And I can't deal with anymore right now.

Giving up only to give in. Give in to the destiny and that someone that'll be a better me. A friend better than me. A lover that commits.

No more soul wounds. No more exploiting it. I'm through with everything that I've clenched for so long, refusing to let go.

I Will Survive

OH NO NOT I. I WILL SURVIVE. OH AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE, I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE.

You've gotta admit. You need this song.

Toast to the bloody murder of a future. Drink ourselves to oblivion and kill the engine.

Better In Time

What is it about small cute boys that make me smile?

On a side note, I might have sprained both my hands a bit. Typing and clenching it into a fist hurts a helluva lot. I might have gotten a little too over-zealous yesterday. They always make a hoo ha over the person that gets sucker punched, but the suffering of the aggressor gets a tad too undermined. I'm kidding. I just want to look badass, am I achieving it?

The load of work has been piling up and I've been effectively ignoring it and actively seeking the comfort my bed and pillows provide. The lack of motivation to get up and face the world is scaring me. Maybe it's because I'm under-achieving in so many areas, and yet I have everything. Oh I don't know, the irony is brimming to the point of ridiculous.

Anyways, just want to say that I've just turned legal. HMMMMMM.

The One

We're only going round and round,Circling an empty place,I wonder if you feel the same,Baby I just have to know,
If I am not the one, why we holding on?What's the point in all this time,Just to find, there's nothing here between us,If it's not for life,It's be cruel to be kind,Cos I've already been with you for way too long,If I am not the one.
Promises are hard to keep,The emptiness is hard to bear,When you know that if you reachA little deeper, nothing's there,Nothing's gonna to make it right,We're only gonna make it hurt,We're only gonna make it worse,
All we have is what we had,And that's just not enough,

Baby life ain't going, just let this be doneIf I am not the one

Entry 46

They ask me how do I deal with my grief. I told them, I don't. It's not like you wake up one day and everything is fine and dandy. It doesn't work that way. Whatever 5 step grief process I believe it to be cop out crap. A lie told to hurting people to plaster their wounds and hide it from the world, but not actually removing it. Might as well stick a hugeass bandaid saying "I'm hurting, beware." Denial, then anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. Ever heard of one step forward, two steps back. Bargaining to depression, and then back to anger. Vicious cycle. Vicious lies. You just wake up, too afraid to go out, fearful that the world will move on as if it doesn't sense your loss, insensitive to your pain and suffering. Too afraid to go out and face the people that keep saying "I'm sorry" when none of that is their fault. Angry too, that you're expected to move on as if nothing had happened. Oh, you're supposed to grief for as long as the flower withers, but when the flower blooms you need to be all smiles and candies. Because to dwell on the (very recent) past is a sign of weakness. To mourn publicly is annoyance to people who don't understand. So you don't. So I don't. I wake up, feeling every emotion hit me like an array of bullets, slowly and unfortunately painfully. And then I stand up, my legs filled with sand and the idea of going out with the sun shinning on my face overwhelms me with dread. But I do that anyway. I keep on doing it. I go on and on and on. I tell myself that I'm okay, so much so I start to believe it. On and on I go. Keep at it and I believe that it would take me somewhere. I don't talk about it. Because I'm okay. Because bawling in public for my loss isn't what I want. Because cursing and yelling "Fuck the world" isn't exactly going to bring back the dead. I'm tired of people what to do. In the end, I deal with my loss, my way. (Saw this in my journal. As much as it's emotionally charged, I love it.)

Grief

I'm sorry, but I'll deal with my loss, my way.

Endless Love

You will always be, my endless love.