I don't know how or what should I feel. I think it is the state of ambivalence and sometimes words are just not enough to explain it all. Many people tell you to follow and chase your dream down with a hunting knife and a good pair of converse shoes. Chase them down, they said, it would be worth it, they said. I wonder, sometimes, all those big celebrities like Johnny Cash, or Marilyn Monroe, or Charlie Chaplain, I wonder what was it like to be giving their all for the dream, and to wait. What is it like for them to wait?
Mayhaps they sit at the post office, waiting day in and out for an acceptance letter. Funny how ink and paper can make your spirit soar or crush it within a matter of minutes. Oh the irony. Or perhaps they would hound the postman then, or if it was modern day in year 2012, it would be in a constant checking of the email.
I tell myself, no news is good news. But having no news is like feeding the wolves whom I have known to be fear. Each and everyday I start questioning my dream, my capabilities, my worth. It's not that I'm insecure, I'm just scared of underachieving, of letting them down, of letting myself down. It's a never ending competition. The survival of the fittest. The hunger damn-ing games. And God help me, I'm so tired of coming in second.
It's so loud in my head. Everything is looking up, but why do I feel so down?
I messed it up. My spiritual life, my friendships, my relationships. I don't bother anymore. It's not giving up. It's I just, I don't know.
