Lost

All out on my own again. That feeling when you need to have it all together, because once you break, all hell is going to break loose. I refuse to shed a tear. I refuse to bow down to the storm. I'll take the bull by it's horns and it'll relent. I can't have it any other way. The people that say "Winning isn't everything" obviously haven't been in a hospital or say pass the scalpel or watch someone die.

Have you ever been so lost? Known the way, and still so lost? They say I should come back home. Play safe. Just listen to their patronizing. Just listen. Because what I need right now is sugar coated words after breaking what seemed to be my only ray of light. Because what I need now is "I'm sorry."

You don't understand. You don't get to say you're sorry.

I've lost everything that I've held close to my heart. I lost my dream. The one dream that I held on for ages. You don't understand. You don't get to say you're sorry. Because you're not. I lost my dignity. They say you don't die with dignity, you live with it. I lost sight of the vision. And it says that without vision, the people perish.

You don't get to complain. What is a group without unity? What is a group without efficiency and tolerance? We are only as strong as our weakest link. We don't even have a link. Might as well sign the death warrant. The mark of death on our forehead.

The thing this time, is that I didn't mess up. So why do I have to pay the price of other people's mistakes?

I miss you, you would have known what to do.

Rain Makes Corn. Corn Makes Whiskey. Whiskey Makes My Baby Feels A Little Frisky.

One day....

I'll drive a convertable, hood down, with a select few people, blasting country music and clubbing songs and speeding across the landscapes of Holland.

I'll spend the night at a beach with a cold beer and blankets.

I'll backpack across Europe, (selling my kidney to afford that). Starting from Czech Republic, Italy, Belgium, France, Germany, Ireland, ending at Greece.

I'll sky dive from the skies of Melbourne and parachute down like a trooper.

I'll be a free lance journalist, travelling the world and getting paid for my stories.

I'll be so much bigger so that you can't hit me.

I'll get back on my two feet again. Just watch me.

Settling Down?

I don't know who reads this blog anymore. It could be just me, going to my blog and looking at my DNA and fingerprints all over the posts.

Everyone around me are couples, getting attached, married even. To tell you the truth? I don't feel pressured at all. I mean, getting into a relationship is easy, labeling a guy as your boyfriend is easy, but settling down? Hmm not so. Maybe I like where I am now. I like that I have a freedom to do whatever I want because I'm single. No limitations.

I don't try hard enough maybe. But I have so many things on my plate, and a boyfriend would just go tipping my duck confit with mash potato on it over. I can't have that now, can I?

The notion of settling down scares me to the end of earth and back. You asked me, and I said no. I wasn't ready then, sure as hell not ready now, or in the near future. Never bring up the M word. It's just a cardinal rule for me and my friends. Marriage isn't for me now.

Maybe I'll find true love. Who knows? Maybe it'll come in a form of a gorgeous ang moh with a british accent. Still hoping, haha. Maybe it'll come in a form of a dream. Or in a form of a career. I'll never know. Many people find this absurd, but I still go with the notion of "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

My good friend tell me its stupid, but I can't help but believe that what is meant to be, will work out eventually. So yeah. Goodbye for now. If I ever fall head over heels in love, please set me free.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye, When It Comes To This

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away


I've moved on. I mean, we all had. You know, but there's those secret couple of times we look back and we tear up and the memories and the could have been. I guess I just think of you when I feel so stuck, and so tired and beaten down. I think that how could you have gone before me, I needed you to be here. You were always the constant factor. I would always come home to you yakking away, talking and walking around. I thought you would always be there. Always be here. 


But then you were hacking away at the hospital, and I watch as the life drained from you and as the coughing ceased. I watch as you reach the other side, this time, without me. I feel so left behind you know. I  hated watching, but I just can't tear my eyes away because I knew that would be the last moment I had left with you. 


I miss you so much. I thought you were so strong you would have made it through whatever, its so hard to acknowledge that you are now gone forever. 


Rest in peace, grandma. I love you, always.